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Post by ninjabib on Mar 22, 2018 17:42:30 GMT
N2 if she was willing to listen and discuss the issues then i am more than willing. The memes are just to get my attention and she wants to basically keep my company as she loves it but not be in the rleationship.
I'm sure she wants empathy too and i want to show that but she just gets hostile if i try and reason, she still seems angry at me. I want to listen and make changes if i can but i can't make her talk.
Once her stuff is collected i will block her if she still refuses to discuss. I could not have her in my life as a friend, i would struggle to move on with her around.
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saddog
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Posts: 187
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Post by saddog on Mar 22, 2018 18:05:56 GMT
k so the same pattern ensues Withdraw/protest You're ignoring her as a strategy, nothing gets solved. Now if you just decide to move on then that's fine, block and move forward without looking back. But that doesn't seem to be the case at all. She's likely looking for empathy and you're going straight for problem solving for starters. That was demonstrated when she got irate with your response "what is it you need". It may sound irrational to you but makes perfect sense. Right now all you're trying to do is assuage your ego. tell me more about the empathy thing, I am always going to straight for the problem, never understand the meaning of empathy in this context. For me its like, "well, we have a problem, lets work this out talking about, and do things to solve it", but people always says "I just want to be heard", and in my head I am thinking "lol, but bitching around will not solve problems"
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 22, 2018 18:50:04 GMT
k so the same pattern ensues Withdraw/protest You're ignoring her as a strategy, nothing gets solved. Now if you just decide to move on then that's fine, block and move forward without looking back. But that doesn't seem to be the case at all. She's likely looking for empathy and you're going straight for problem solving for starters. That was demonstrated when she got irate with your response "what is it you need". It may sound irrational to you but makes perfect sense. Right now all you're trying to do is assuage your ego. tell me more about the empathy thing, I am always going to straight for the problem, never understand the meaning of empathy in this context. For me its like, "well, we have a problem, lets work this out talking about, and do things to solve it", but people always says "I just want to be heard", and in my head I am thinking "lol, but bitching around will not solve problems" Often times the solution can be found with simple understanding. If you’re going straight to needs and problem solving you aren’t bridging a connection to what to life and that person. They may often turn defensive because they are feeling a lack of connection to begin with either with in themselves or to the other person or perhaps a combination of the two. This is not to say that empathy will solve every problem. It is just a starting point. In most contexts the solution will find itself once you have connection.
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saddog
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Posts: 187
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Post by saddog on Mar 22, 2018 22:46:57 GMT
tell me more about the empathy thing, I am always going to straight for the problem, never understand the meaning of empathy in this context. For me its like, "well, we have a problem, lets work this out talking about, and do things to solve it", but people always says "I just want to be heard", and in my head I am thinking "lol, but bitching around will not solve problems" Often times the solution can be found with simple understanding. If you’re going straight to needs and problem solving you aren’t bridging a connection to what to life and that person. They may often turn defensive because they are feeling a lack of connection to begin with either with in themselves or to the other person or perhaps a combination of the two. This is not to say that empathy will solve every problem. It is just a starting point. In most contexts the solution will find itself once you have connection. so, taking the OP as example, it will be like "I understand what you saying"(about commitiment), listen to her saying, "bla bla bla bla bla", and after that, asks "I have a suggestion about that, you want to hear?" and talk about how to solve problems?...is that a example how to behave in that situation?
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 23, 2018 4:02:47 GMT
No.
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saddog
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Post by saddog on Mar 23, 2018 15:03:00 GMT
oh shit, I have no ampathy then. Do you have some example?
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 23, 2018 17:31:55 GMT
I'm struggling with how to show empathy too obviously haha.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 23, 2018 17:38:35 GMT
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saddog
MPUA Forum Addict
Posts: 187
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Post by saddog on Mar 24, 2018 3:33:06 GMT
I have a question about bullshit, if the person say "ok, will do XYZ" and dont keep his word, like the case of "yes man" husband, what we should do, just leave?
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 24, 2018 4:39:54 GMT
Giraffe's aren't nice...
"Thank you Jackall for letting me know you aren't willing to meet my need, I will seek <needs> elsewhere." So ya, just because someone refuses to meet a need doesn't mean you ought to sit there, give them empathy in attempts to have them meet it. BUT you aren't being punitive in the process.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 24, 2018 16:19:14 GMT
Halfway through the video, excellent viewing but a lot to take in!
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 24, 2018 17:07:57 GMT
Yep. Layers of an onion. U'll likely watch it several times and practice it for it to sink in.
You won't be the same after, that much I can promise you.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 24, 2018 17:19:19 GMT
Already realised that i've not been the best partner in terms of communication, i always used to say to her she coulnd't communicate but it was also as much me not being able to listen. I just got angry and jackyl-y hahah if she wasn't as direct as i liked. I was unknowingly putting it all on her. No wonder she got fed up.
Thanks so much for this video. Whether we get back together or not it's been eye opening. I will ask her if its possible we can meet up and talk and i will promise to listen to her this time, no pressure on the outcome.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 24, 2018 17:58:14 GMT
Be gentle on yourself. After seeing this and understanding needs it can be really easy to feel a sense of regret or remorse. As Jack reminded me a few months ago one must learn to forgive themselves their former partners in order to move forward. Just because you understand this now doesn’t necessarily mean the outcome could’ve been different.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 24, 2018 19:37:27 GMT
Understood, i won't beat myself up over this. If she agreeds to meet i will apologise for my mistakes, hopefully assauge her fears regarding commitment, if not nothing further lost. I will have closure and a tough lesson learnt.
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