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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 26, 2018 7:37:55 GMT
Apologize for your mistakes? You’ve entirely missed the point of NVC.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 26, 2018 10:23:06 GMT
I do feel bad for not listening properly though
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 26, 2018 10:41:04 GMT
I do feel bad for not listening properly though. I don't mean apologise for anything and everything through the rleationship. I can see how she felt at the end of the relationship now though. My housemate told me yetserday that she confided in him that she thought i didn't love her anymore last month just before we split up which is incorrect.
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saddog
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Post by saddog on Mar 27, 2018 0:29:23 GMT
I do feel bad for not listening properly though. I don't mean apologise for anything and everything through the rleationship. I can see how she felt at the end of the relationship now though. My housemate told me yetserday that she confided in him that she thought i didn't love her anymore last month just before we split up which is incorrect. when you are apologising, you are punishing yourself, you feel guilty, and that is not a good start. You should track her need, and you needs. For example, the house, you probably feel safe there, and want a safe harbor to begin a life with someone you respect. You should see her needs and see if you can fulfill then, and telll her your needs, and see if she wants to fulfil it. For example, "hey xxx, I noticed that you are felling dismayed with our relationship" she will "bla bla bla bla bla" and you will ask "what actions can make you feel valued in our relationship", try to guess her need, show empaty, listen, ask actions that you can perform to met her needs
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saddog
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Post by saddog on Mar 27, 2018 0:41:23 GMT
Giraffe's aren't nice... "Thank you Jackall for letting me know you aren't willing to meet my need, I will seek <needs> elsewhere." So ya, just because someone refuses to meet a need doesn't mean you ought to sit there, give them empathy in attempts to have them meet it. BUT you aren't being punitive in the process. have two more questions, in the of the husband who had fears about family finance, in the end him and his spouse workout in let her to take a trial period with the family money. My point is, this is compromise, isnt?I am not getting something. The other question is, apalogise to someone that you steped on the foot in the subway, you should like say a long line to a simple mistake?"I am sorry to cause you pain, sir". Same for showing gratitude, some things in life is just too simple. Like today the gym instructor correct my form in the deadlift, I just said "thanks". How can I practice NVC in these situations?
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 27, 2018 1:26:41 GMT
Compromise sure, I'm fine with that word as both people are having needs met. Whole lot different than sacrifice where one does something out of obligation (in which case both people in the relationship pay a price).
Apologies are like a*holes....
Not really, NVC isn't solely verbal in fact most of it can be done through behaviour or even a gesture. Having sincerity in your eyes can convey empathy, but apologies are fine so long as you aren't using them to buy forgiveness, done out of coercion, or any other inauthentic energy.
Gratitude. It's a gift. If you're expressing gratitude tell that person WHY you're feeling gratitude - what specific thing did they do that helped enrich your life, for example. Same with praise. Praise and gratitude can be violent if you're using them freely without addressing any particular way another person has affected you. This can be likened to congruency in PUA or shit tests. IF you aren't acting congruent people can sense it, and you're doing something out of a negative (or jackal) energy.
"Thanks" may be sufficient as its tied to a specific behaviour. If its coming out of that "what's alive in me" energy its fine you can convey it one word, even a "thanks" or a smile. That's still NVC.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 28, 2018 10:45:07 GMT
Sent her a brief message, she viewed and never responded so shes totally checked out now i guess but i feel better slightly already as got closure.
I also genuinely felt bad that somehow i made the person i love the most feel unwanted and unloved. Lessons to be learnt.
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saddog
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Post by saddog on May 15, 2018 19:43:59 GMT
k so the same pattern ensues Withdraw/protest You're ignoring her as a strategy, nothing gets solved. Now if you just decide to move on then that's fine, block and move forward without looking back. But that doesn't seem to be the case at all. She's likely looking for empathy and you're going straight for problem solving for starters. That was demonstrated when she got irate with your response "what is it you need". It may sound irrational to you but makes perfect sense. Right now all you're trying to do is assuage your ego. Hey n2, I am still studying NVC, and I have a question, can you help? Someone fucked up with me, and since then the person has been very apologetic. I am a true believer about doesnt matter who is right or wrong, and even after we solve the situation(without any fight), the person still apologetic. How to communicate that guilt is overrated and it is all cool, without give the person a feeling that I am ok to be disrepected.
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Post by N2thevoid on May 15, 2018 21:08:00 GMT
What was the apology for? If its just an "I m sorry" that's still violent language.
A giraffe apology would be to acknowledge the behaviour that made life less than enjoyable for the other person. It would convey that they understand how you're feeling (empathy) and the need not being met by the behaviour. The person would not involve themselves, however as again we can't make a person feel a certain way, and if you use such jackal language u'll pay a price.
So my question to you is how did you feel towards this person after hearing the apology?
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saddog
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Posts: 187
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Post by saddog on May 15, 2018 21:44:13 GMT
What was the apology for? If its just an "I m sorry" that's still violent language. A giraffe apology would be to acknowledge the behaviour that made life less than enjoyable for the other person. It would convey that they understand how you're feeling (empathy) and the need not being met by the behaviour. The person would not involve themselves, however as again we can't make a person feel a certain way, and if you use such jackal language u'll pay a price. So my question to you is how did you feel towards this person after hearing the apology? Your question made me think...now I see, if I need to convey that it is ok, but fear that it can happen again, I still have a problem with this person, I dont believed in the apology, because if I did, I didnt needed to overthink about how to say "I dont believe in guilt"
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Post by N2thevoid on May 16, 2018 0:23:01 GMT
What was the apology for? If its just an "I m sorry" that's still violent language. A giraffe apology would be to acknowledge the behaviour that made life less than enjoyable for the other person. It would convey that they understand how you're feeling (empathy) and the need not being met by the behaviour. The person would not involve themselves, however as again we can't make a person feel a certain way, and if you use such jackal language u'll pay a price. So my question to you is how did you feel towards this person after hearing the apology? Your question made me think...now I see, if I need to convey that it is ok, but fear that it can happen again, I still have a problem with this person, I dont believed in the apology, because if I did, I didnt needed to overthink about how to say "I dont believe in guilt" “I’m struggling to trust your apology at face value,and I am fearful that it may happen again..”
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Post by ninjabib on May 20, 2018 16:33:06 GMT
As this has been bumped by other talk im gonna chime in.
Just bumped into the girl this thread was about for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Asked me to go to the bar with her again. What is her problem?
Keeps asking me to go for drinks or to out of town festivals we'd already booked where we'd have to share a bed but she says she doesnt want to sort anything out. She also randomly turned up at my house at 230am in the middle of the night unannoucned about 2 weeks ago saying she had car trouble. We had a little kiss and a cuddle but she wouldnt go further. Then she wanted to try and talk but it's too late for that. Told her to roll over and go to sleep as i have work in the AM. If i had a couch she would have been put on it.
I've been calm and polite and told her there is zero chance of us being friends, it's not what i want and i refuse to be some fake friend beta buddy just hoping to get a sniff of the vag again. I have blocked her on every social media site/app but still wont listen. She trying to piss me off here?
She doesnt want a relationship, i dont want friendship, how can i get it through?
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Post by N2thevoid on May 20, 2018 16:41:48 GMT
Her problem? Its not "whats her problem" it's more "what's your problem that you can't move on".
This is self-inflicted. Clearly you two want different things. Move on. Quit it with the drama already. You're doing this to yourself
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Post by ninjabib on May 20, 2018 16:45:03 GMT
I agree, how can i make her stop asking me to do things she knows im gonna say no too though? Do i just ignore her now?
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Post by JackZero on May 20, 2018 16:52:24 GMT
OP, it's funny because I mentioned this same thing in a different post today. You're trying to renegotiate a relationship and you're getting in your own way. Women are creatures of the moment. She's likely going to decide if she wants to be in a relationship with you because of how she feels in a specific moment. You trying to force an "all or nothing" ultimatum is going to ensure that she chooses nothing. FFS, maybe you should think about being in a seductive mindset when dealing with her.
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