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Post by pilgrimmeister on Aug 6, 2020 22:15:33 GMT
Remember what we have all said, don't revolve your life round her, or you will blow it.
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Post by N2thevoid on Aug 7, 2020 2:22:50 GMT
It was already over before it began
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mathers645
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Post by mathers645 on Aug 7, 2020 4:37:21 GMT
I hope you didn't cancel any weekend plans for her. Nope, my parents were supposed to visit me so I had the weekend open but they cancelled so it worked out perfect! I cleaned up my place too, ready for the weekend! She said she’s wants to cook me dinner at my place on Saturday...I asked what should I buy and said she will bring everything...awesome! Beats bbq and takeout lol
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Post by N2thevoid on Aug 7, 2020 22:47:23 GMT
OK just stop talking like a geeky virgin, not a good look for women
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mathers645
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Post by mathers645 on Aug 8, 2020 15:05:10 GMT
UPDATE...
Last night when she was over the hair dresser called me....i took the call outside, and the hair dresser started giving me shit for ignoring her and not making time for her and accusing me of seeing someone else.... I told her I've been busy working on some personal things and she said im a selfish son of a bitch and she never wants to see me again.... i guess the problem worked itself out! lol, i wanted to eventually end that, it was just a fun fling with a girl way younger than me.
.....AND THEN I DONT KNOW IF I FUCKED UP OR NOT ....
She(my girl) asked me if it was another girl on the phone in like a jokingly way, so i responded back in a jokingly way that I can barely deal with just one (her) she laughed and said the something similar about me, that im plenty or whatever....not sure exactly what, i was in some shock lol
Then she said, after last wednesday, she deleted her dating apps because she wont need them anymore... to which I responded (truthfully) I've never had any to begin with, as I prefer to meet people in person.
Ummmm is this like a weird way of saying we are not exclusive or wtf just happened? This is not how I imagined it.
And then she said "I'm glad that after 2 years of working together and 1 year of hanging out with each other, we actually made it happen...." I was not liking the conversation so I started to kiss her and ended up banging on the floor between the tv and the couch.
I'm confused af but at the same time relived and happy... i think
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Post by JackZero on Aug 8, 2020 16:10:14 GMT
You really need to learn to take control of situations. You allowed the hair dresser thing to end badly to where you don't have an open door to come back. You probably don't see it right now, but you are setting yourself up to fail with this girl. She seems happy, but that is her partially fantasizing about a future right now. Remember she was talking about marriage and you kept joking? Now she's talking about exclusivity and your response was banging her on the floor. Right now, in this honeymoon phase, you can get away with that. At some point, in the back of her mind, she's going to realize that you avoid things that are important to her and she will lose the attraction that she has for you because of what you are demonstrating right now. It'll be hard to change her mind because you have set up a pattern of behavior that no tactic will help you out of...well almost no tactic.
Right now, this is your opportunity to establish what she is to expect with you and you are fucking it up by avoiding the topics that she brings up. If you thought that she was talking about exclusivity, you could have taken control of her expectations and then banged her on the floor.
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mathers645
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Post by mathers645 on Aug 8, 2020 16:59:12 GMT
I really like her, ALOT obviously...I wouldn’t have been here if I didn’t care but is it not a little to early to start talking about serious stuff like that yet? I do think she’s relationship and even marriage material (I’ve known her for a couple years now) but I’m worried that relationship talk will ruin the fun and excitement? I pretty much did say that there’s no one else for me right now either...
But....you guys have been right on so many things that I’m willing to change it up...
If she touches the topic again, what should I say? I get that we have known each other for a while so things might be a little quicker...I am enjoying the moment, it’s been fantastic, I don’t remember ever having this much fun...we are going horseback riding in a few minutes when she’s done getting ready.
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Post by JackZero on Aug 8, 2020 17:28:05 GMT
Let's start first by saying, you are saying a girl that's 22 years old is relationship and marriage material. You should be kicking yourself by even thinking that. She's not. She doesn't fully know what she wants out of life because she hasn't experienced much of it yet. Reassess those thoughts about relationship and marriage material when she's between 25-27. You'll save yourself a lot of headache.
All I'm saying to you is that you need to take control of situations. If she brings up exclusive talk, then you tell her your thoughts on it. It doesn't have to be a deep conversation.
If she would have said that to me, based on what you have said so far about the amount of dates and your first time having sex, I would have told her that I like where things are going and the potential that I see with her. I would also add that calling it exclusive within a few weeks of it being an intimate relationship is too much pressure to making things work out. If a few months down the line, after the novelty of one another wears off, it would be good to have that talk then if the feelings for each other hasn't changed.
That's how I would take the lead and set expectations. I've done that plenty of times.
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Post by N2thevoid on Aug 8, 2020 17:57:20 GMT
Jack and I aren't always in agreement, but he's really on point with this one.
22 doesn't mean she's not incapable of maturity. A 22 y.o. is generally around the same maturity level as a 26 y.o. dude, obviously there's going to be a great deal of variability in experience and overall maturity level. That said, the marriage material talk is telling us you're hot out the gate, and that's what's concerning. In so many ways you're setting yourself up to failure and looking to us to bail you out. It doesn't work that way.
You've got to be able to stand on your own.
By constantly looking to others when things go awry you're adversely weakening yourself, and like any addiction you continue with an outward focus for solutions.
Your best bet in this moment is to let go of a relationship with her. This means letting go of the relationship to have to be any particular things in this moment. It means realizing that even if it doesn't work out, nothing was lost - and in fact being in a relationship you can do a lot more growth than staying single and avoiding people.
You've already learned a lot. And at the end of the day if it doesn't work out, the stuff you've learned stays with you. To me that's the real gain in all this, but you can't see it like that cause you're so hungup on 'getting the girl'/winning her approval. What kind of life is that moving forward? Sounds like a recipe for misery to me.
In many ways you're taking a child like mindset into this relationship. And it's my hope you learn what not to do, and how to be more adult-like in a relationship - one in which there's equity not a power imbalance where you're doing things to placate your partner 'playing nice' in order to sustain things.
You got to do the self work. Either on your own or with a therapist.
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Post by pilgrimmeister on Aug 8, 2020 21:48:53 GMT
You cannot rush it. There is no harm in telling her that was a girl that you were last seeing and ghosted, as that is pretty much what you did. Hiding it does you no favours and very often backfires. Also due to your oneitus, you have lost your other option, so the girl you have been spending time with and banging now holds all the cards.
Girls who are fantizing as put above, will try and rush and make you their boyfriend so they can lock you down and take you off the market quick, and to brag to their friends. Accept her wishes too early, then you have no options and as soon as she gets bored, she will cast you aside in a heartbeat, despite what she is saying now. You have to make her earn the right to be yours, but her being fit and good in bed seems to be enough for you, and from that, you have set your standards really low. It signals to her she can do anything she wants and you won't walk away and doesn't really have to put the effort into please you.
The reason why we have so many women who can pick and choose who they date is because guys don't make them earn it.
IF she brings it up again, tell her the truth. That you want to see where it goes for a couple months first before making any commitments. It's too late now, she has all the power as you have told her there is no-one else anymore. She can click her fingers and drop you just like that and branch to the next guy whenever she wants. You as a guy can't do that and have to work for it.
It's why so many of us bang on and on aboout keeping a few plates spinning, and if one of those plates decides they want to lock down down early or they threaten to walk, then let her walk away. When you other women on the go, you woudln't be affected by her walking, as one booty call later, and you get your jackhammer wet. But if a girl really wants a guy, she will prove it to him, that she is better than the other girls he has going on in the background, and that he has the power to eventually decide to get rid of those girls after she put in a lot of hard work to prove her worth.
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Post by N2thevoid on Aug 8, 2020 23:09:15 GMT
The short of it is you hold a scarcity mindset. So you look to a woman to define you, which extends to any interaction you have with her. You're hypervigilant and have put all your eggs in her basket; sooner or later she'll realize this and you'll be history for her if you don't get a handle on yourself.
This means being ok with not getting the girl (knowing you can easily enough create other options for yourself).
This is an aphrodisiac for women - she unconsciously wants to feel what she's pursuing is of worth/of value. Nobody wants to go to the almost empty Chinese restaurant save for a few white patrons. They want the bustling restaurant where they also see some asians eating (asians know asian food).
Right now you're trying to plot your next move based on her response, and that's scarcity. This is what's going to get you into more trouble.
If you aren't up to no good, why NOT say that it was some chick you dated or whatever and have no interest in. If this girl freaks out then she's not meant for you - who wants to deal with that shit. If she feels a bit concerned and has questions wanting to gain clarity, answer those and if she's secure enough in herself then she'll trust you. If not, again, she's not the one. Stop hiding.
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mathers645
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Post by mathers645 on Aug 9, 2020 2:26:46 GMT
CORRECTION: SHE IS 31 YEARS OLD, NOT 22...THE HAIRSTYLIST WAS 22...and I have liked her for 2 years but started actually pursing her since like february.
The reason I've pursued her is because i see huge potential for relationship/marriage. I'm 33, I've slept with plenty of women, and I am done with that bullshit. I'm done chasing tail, having multiple girls at once, it use to be exciting but it lost its appeal.
Anyway, we went horseback riding today (its actually kind of painful...not a fan) and the equestrian owner was asking her how long we have been together because we look very cute together and have a radiating energy lol. She responded that we have been seeing each other for 6 months....
I asked her about it later in the car...why 6 months.., and she said, well we both liked eachother since then and we went on dates so we can count that.
We also had another talk about the exclusivity talk... she started the conversation, I told her that I dont have anyone else on the plate (im not playing more games..scarce or not).. she said shes also not seeing anyone and hopes what we have can "build into something great" (or something like that) I replied that we are having a lot of fun right now, that I really care for her and I took am hoping to build something great with her but in the meantimne lets get to learn more about one another before assigning any labels...she agreed, I called her my boo and we kissed. Im not playing anymore games, I'm being 100% honest, if she losses interest due to my honesty or the fact that I'm not scarce enough or whatever... then so be it, but I will not be upset with myself for being real and I expect the same realness from her... which she has demonstrated.
Came back home, she cooked me an amazing pasta dinner with chicken and shes next to me passed out on the couch while I'm writing this post.....hope she doesnt see what im writing. Tomorrow we are going to the beach.
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Post by N2thevoid on Aug 9, 2020 3:56:31 GMT
Heywood wants to know her fb and Ig names.
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chef89
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Post by chef89 on Aug 9, 2020 10:04:11 GMT
I actually thought you guys were around 20 years old.. that should tell you something.
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mathers645
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Post by mathers645 on Aug 10, 2020 1:44:57 GMT
I appreciate all the help you guys have provided. You pushed me into taking action to get the girl. I did it and it worked. You taught me to avoid games and be more honest and to speak with her instead of avoiding difficult topics... and it worked great!
This weekend was intense...I had a fantastic time with her as well as we conversed about the very topics I was too scared to discuss and it worked out fantastic. I just walked her to her car, kissed her goodnight and shes on her way home. I might visit her on a thursday/friday as my parents are visiting me next weekend so I will be occupied with them.
Anyway, I'm sure you are all bored of my play by plays so I'm gonna stop being so active on here unless something important comes up.
Once again, much gratitude to everyone!
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