Why consistency is important

[JackZero]

I'm going to start this thread by talking about a few scenarios

Scenario #1
One Friday night out at the club a guy sees a girl and approaches her after she throws him a smile.  He walks up to her and introduces himself and after a few moments of flirting, he takes her out on the dance floor.  A few songs in they end up kissing and he can tell that she is really into him.  At this moment he thinks it's time to get her out of there while she's showing this level of attraction and makes the suggestion to leave to go back to his house.  She agrees until her ginormous friend steps in and talks her out of leaving with the guy and instead they exchange numbers.

Next morning, she texts him and let's him know how much fun she had and wants to see him again.  He suggests that they meet up on Friday and she agrees.  He decides that he needs to smalltalk her a bit to make sure that she's comfortable with him so throughout the week they text back and forth with friendly conversations.  On Thursday night he sends her a message to make sure that the date is still on and she confirms that it is.  Once Friday happens, he heads to the store to pickup some condoms he gets a text saying, "Sorry, I don't think I can make the date.  I don't think we are right for each other."  He tries to convince her otherwise but there's no changing her mind and the store doesn't refund condoms.

Scenario #2
A guy is walking through the park one afternoon as a shortcut on his way home.  He sees a girl walking her dog and he gains the nerve to approach her.  He boldly approaches her and asks what kind of dog she has and she tells him.  He goes into a story about how his last girlfriend had a similar dog but not as well mannered.  He changes the subject to how nice the park is and she agrees.  He tells her that he has to run because he's meeting a friend but he would like to meet up with her for drinks in a day or two.  She eagerly punches her number into his phone.

Later, he makes a date for the next night for drinks.  On the date he sits her down and they have a nice casual conversation.  He throws in some complements on her looks and personality and she clearly appreciates and reciprocates.  He remembered reading on a pickup site that he had to be bold and go for what he wanted.  After two drinks he says to her, "Let's go back to mine and hang out."  She asks what he means by hanging out?  He tells her that there's no limit to what hang out means while flashing his sly PUA smile.  She declines the offer and ten minutes later decides that she has to leave.  Despite him trying to contact her, he never hears from her again.

What happened?
In Scenario #1 the guy presented himself as a sexually charged man.  He showed his physical attraction for her and followed through by expressing his desire to get her home.  She was on board with what was presented to her and the only reason she didn't go through with it is because of her big friend decided that if she wasn't getting any action then no one would.  Afterwards, he decided that he didn't want to scare her off, so he switched gears to show that he is a good guy.

In Scenario #2 the guy presented himself in a gentlemanly, nondirect way but by the time their initial conversation ended it was clear that he wanted to go out on a date with her.  On the date he decided that he wanted to show her that he had a sexual side.  Once he presented that to her, she decided that she was no longer interested.

The thing to remember is that when you present yourself to a woman, you must attempt to remain consistent to what you have shown her.  If you go in as the nice guy, remain the nice guy and escalate to reveal the sexual side.  If you present yourself as purely a sexual being, remain that sexual being and reveal the nice guy through getting to know each other.  Abruptly changing what you've shown a woman is unattractive because you would be altering what she is imagining about you.  Even worse, you are disrupting the fantasy of being able to make the nice guy sexually desire her or tame the bad boy (as per the examples).

[GFRESH2DEF]

This is good stuff Jack Zero. It sheds some light on why things could be going well with him and the girl in the initial interaction, but then after the day-2 she flakes on him. Most guys are stumped when this happens to them, and always have questions to why it happened to them on the forums, because they usually have no clue as to what went wrong. Your post definitely directly explains why girls flake on guys after the first date (or even after the 2nd date for that matter..especially if the girl decided to give the guy a second chance, because she thought that the guy that she was attracted to in the initial interaction, would probably show up on the 2nd date since he didn't show up "attractive-wise" on the 1st date).




Guys showing up as different versions of themselves to a girl on different occasions, definitely has alot to do with our social conditioning, that's deeply ingrained in us. Even down to who we are on an identity level.




I have an example of my own...




A guy may study seduction theory and watch pickup & self-development videos because he wants to get more in touch with his masculinity, and he wants to detach himself from the influence that social conditioning has over his behaviors. So for a moment..he's emboldened, and feels empowered as a man..in a way that he probably has never felt before. So riding on this wave..he goes out, does a bold approach on some girl, attracts her, and get's her phone number. She agrees to meet up with him again on a date, because she thinks that she will get the bold guy that seemed to not give a fuck. But when he shows up on the date, he's no longer in that state that he was in when he first met her. Because he's usually not that guy, and it was just a temporary persona or identity that he was enacting for the first time ever in his life. But his actual identity (or his everyday self) is just a modest nice-guy, before he put on that persona of a bold bad ass. Once the "bold & bad-ass guy" persona wears off..his true modest nice-guy self comes through on the date. The girl notices that something is off and in-congruent about how he is behaving now. She's thinking to herself like; "Where did the bold bad-ass guy go?". In that moment that she asks herself that question about him..it's all over for him. In her mind..she might be freaked out about it, and definitely turned off. She's done with him. She now knows that he's not that guy that he portrayed himself to be. Meanwhile..the guy has zero awareness of how different he came across to the girl in the initial interaction (when she got attracted to his temporary bold bad-ass guy persona), to how he is behaving now (now he's being who he really is) on the date. So when he tries to hit her up again, he's confused as to what went wrong and why she's not responding. Had he not put on a persona in the first place, and been the person who he really is in the initial interaction..she probably might've not flaked on him after the date. Because he was the same guy on the date, that she had met in the initial interaction. In other words..she didn't flake on him because she didn't sense any in-congruencies in his behaviors on both of the occasions when the girl was present with him.




Of course this is not the only reason why a girl may flake on you after the first or 2nd date, but Jack Zero exposed a main reason why this is happening to guys. Especially if you are a guy who is an AFC, trying to present yourself as alpha to girls when you first meet them. I myself was guilty of this too.




-G

[suit]

This is golden and makes so much sense. I’ve had this problem myself a several times. But moods change right? You can be hyper sexual one second and return to your modest self the next. Are you only suppose to transition after you’ve F-Closed, or is there a certain time period to transition?

[JackZero]

May 20, 2018 22:42:01 GMT suit said:

This is golden and makes so much sense. I’ve had this problem myself a several times. But moods change right? You can be hyper sexual one second and return to your modest self the next. Are you only suppose to transition after you’ve F-Closed, or is there a certain time period to transition?

Ideally, you should be comfortable enough with yourself that what you are presenting is the real you.  However, I do understand that a lot of guys are here because what they believe is the real version of themselves is unattractive (which in some rare cases is true) and they try to pretend to have another persona.  In most cases, it's the guy understanding and accepting who he is and gaining his confidence through that understanding and acceptance.  Once you present yourself as who you honestly are, there is no need for a transition.  More specifically to your question, if you presented yourself as hypersexual then that's what she will expect from you and will likely look for more than just your hypersexuality if she is looking for more in a guy than just sex.  Your best option IMO, is to keep that going until she is showing you that she craves that.

What I wrote in the paragraph above is an extremely simplified truth.

[GFRESH2DEF]

This is why i love forums like this one, and the old forum as well. These are the only places where you can get deep on female & male psychology when it comes to topics revolving around pickup, self-improvement & dating. Unfortunately as a newbie, who is without much experience with picking up & dating hot women (Btw..i'm not talking about you suit..i'm talking about guys in general)..he will have to go through this period where he is being in-congruent (not truly being himself) with women. Once he has gained significant experience and abundance with women, and he finds out who he really is as a man..learns to become grounded internally (not being re-active)..becomes comfortable with talking to everyone (not just with women)..he understands what self-love really means..he now knows what his boundaries are..what his expectations for himself are..what he wants when it comes to women..and what he doesn't want when it comes to women..then he can truly be comfortable in his own skin and truly be himself around women. That kind of transformation & maturity can take months or even years to get to. It's up to the individual as to how long it will take for him to truly be himself around any woman (no matter how hot they may be). But in the beginning..he will have to go through that in-congruent phase, until he feels that who he really is..is enough. I also had to go through that in-congruent period as well. There are no short cuts around it. Now of course, if he's already a natural with women..then everything that i said in this paragraph is not directed to him, because he's probably already comfortable in his own skin. And he can already be himself around any woman that he talks to.




Now to answer your question about transitioning from an "attractive persona" to your normal modest/nice guy self (if that's the kind of guy that you normally are) after you already F-Closed the girl. Yes it does and can work, but you won't be able to keep most of the girls around that you've F-closed as a result. If you have a hard time just being yourself around women that you just met from cold-approach..then i would recommend that you start working on just expressing yourself to the girl in an honest way, as opposed to putting on a front. Let her know about your real likes, your real dislikes, and your real passions that you have in life. And tell her DHV stories, but don't do fake-ass canned DHV stories..let them actually be true stories from your own life experiences, and cool things that you have actually done. That way it isn't someone else's life that you're painting a picture of for her, but it is your own life that you're painting a picture of for her. And when you self-amuse..talk and joke about stuff that is fun and entertaining for you, and not about stuff that you think she would find fun and entertaining (this is very important when it comes to self-amusement btw!!!!).




I found out from my own experience, that the reason why you quickly run out of things to say when you're talking to girls (which is a sticking point that alot of you guys struggle with) is because..you are not actually talking about the things that you want to talk about to girls (which are jokes that your particular sense of humor finds funny, and topics that you find entertaining), because you fear that the girl might not like it, and she may reject you for it. You're talking about stuff to the girl that you think she will find funny and entertaining (you're talking about "safe topics"..not about stuff that you want to talk about..but about stuff that you think is safe, that she won't reject you for)..but it's not funny and entertaining to you. And because it isn't the type of stuff that you would normally talk and joke about with your close friends..but you only do it when you're in the presence of a hot girl (Because you're trying to seek her approval and impress the girl. That's the frame that you're coming from with the girl. But you don't do that with your best friends. When you're with your close friends..you're in a "sharing frame" because you know that your friends have already accepted you for who you are. So you aren't actively trying to seek your friends' approval)..this is why you get tired verbally and quickly run out of things to say to girls. So for anyone on this forum who will create a post stating "Why do i keep running out of things to say to girls? And what can i do to change this?"..what i just explained in this paragraph is the reason why this happens to guys. But if you just talk to her about the stuff that you honestly like/dislike, and what you find funny and entertaining (and not what you think that will be appropriate to talk to her about, that she will find funny and entertaining)..you won't run out of things to say. If you do all of that..you are being congruent with who you really are, and that's how you "be yourself" around women. And contrary to what your own limiting beliefs may tell you..the girl may get attracted to seeing that you are so comfortable with expressing to her who you really are. She will be intrigued and get pulled into your reality. This is how you reach the "hook point" with a girl too btw. And it all comes from honestly conveying to the girl who you really are, and not falsely portraying to the girl, someone who you're really not.



-G

[suit]

Thanks guys. This is pure gold and should be treated as such. Only words from experience can deliver that. Unfortunately, I think there will be a learning curve with the best way to convey this. To be able to bring up the stuff I’m interested in and convey that comfortably, while maintaining a pure image of self to a stranger I want to sleep with might be a little easier said than done.

[GFRESH2DEF]

Yes there will be a good amount of "Faking It Until You Make It!" that you will have to do in the beginning, until you can internalize those new beliefs and behaviors. And once that finally happens..you should feel comfortable and confident enough in yourself and in your game, to start letting go of the fake persona. That's when everything will start to become more natural for you. Now you can just focus on freely and naturally expressing yourself to everyone that you talk to. So there won't be any need for you to carry around that fake persona anymore, because you have now finally become that guy, that you used to try so hard to be. For anyone on this forum who has already gone through that process as well..they understand exactly what i'm talking about.




-G