My wife has a boyfriend & double standards

[ebomb31]

So my wife (3 years together 1 year married) has a boyfriend for the past few months, which is not actually the problem. She balances time decently and it doesn't seem to impair or impede the time I spend with her or what she and I do.

I've been really clear with a few rules about that. They must use protection, change the sheets before I get home, shower in between, and not have sex directly before seeing me. I can ask about any details I'd like but she doesn't volunteer info unless I ask or unless it were (hypothetically) safety type stuff which hasn't come up beyond just being responsible adults about it. I've needed some emotional support around it and she's been available and willing to provide it and makes a concerted effort to be there for me as I need. It's been a bit hard but is working IMO.

But... She has double standards and basically freaks out whenever I spend the night with someone even if I'm not having sex with them. Just sexy cuddles and heavy petting and making out. She's gotten really upset and insecure about even relatively tame overnight cuddles in the past.

I haven't had the opportunity to develop any of the connections I've had opportunities for into regular sexual relationships or a girlfriend because my partner being upset has created so many problems it's felt like it isn't worth it.
She kind of had a meltdown when I met a girl at a party and spent the night with her without having sex..

She asked for a DADT (don't ask don't tell) except for intercourse (safety reasons) but given how she's responded to things that fall short of me having sex, I can't imagine that going well at all.

She's the one who proposed opening up and being polyamorous. She identifies as being more monogamously inclined but wanted to try it out. Now she's considering breaking up with him or changing it to a nonsexual relationship because dating multiple people feels like more work than she wants to deal with and she's thinking about asking me to close things again.


I see a few options.

Just close things up, be exclusive and work things out that way going forward.

Insist on equality if not through words then through actions, which feels like it'll be harrowing like driving through a minefield. Wondering if that's worth it to push through and if the relationship can take the strain.
Technically I'm "allowed" to but it feels like it's going to explode our relationship if I do.


Re-evaluate the whole being together thing.
Not what I really want to be doing. I love my wife and we have an amazing compatibility and sex life outside of this. She's generally really awesome and I want to stay with her.

Alright then folks. Thoughts?

[JackZero]

I'm reading this and one thing that I notice is that you're not saying what it is that you want. For me, it's hard to fathom that you are spending the night with other women without sex and I can understand why that bothers your wife. She realizes that you are getting your emotional needs met with these other women and that is a threat to the relationship in her eyes. From my perspective, I am thinking what she would be thinking. Do you really enjoy having an open relationship? Our thoughts don't matter unless you have an idea of what you want in your marriage.

[R.C]

As far as I see it you already answered your own question. There's 3 options.

1) She drops the boyfriend and you restrict to monogamy.
2) She gets over herself and understands she can't have it both ways.
3) You leave her.

Since you state 3) is not called for at the moment, your only real option is 1. Mainly because she's already proven she's not emotionally capable of having an open relationship. Unless her protests are not caused by the idea of you actually having sex with other women, but by the idea of you - like Jack said - getting your emotional needs met by other women.

Women will tend to have surface reasons for acting out which men generally find either insane or plain stupid, but that's because they're just that - surface reasons. The actual problem is almost always emotional distress that can have various causes like feeling neglected, feeling you shifting away, etc.

So sit her down and ask her using these words specifically, why she feels that way. If she straight up refuses the dialogue then 1) is your only option. If however you think the root cause  is the underlying reason I previously mentioned, then encourage her to talk to you about it. Needless to say, you need to be calm and supportive during this conversation. Try to understand her on an emotional level, identify the problem, then solve it.

[ebomb31]

I'd like to actually have the open thing work. That would be my first choice but at this point it just doesn't seem feasible.

The only way I see it working is open on her end but not on mine for a long while until she gets really used to that and chills out about the whole thing. I would if I could but in honest self reflection I don't know how long I could handle that. It's emotionally unsustainable for me where I'm at. I could (and feel like I essentially have...) for a while but that runs the gas tank out eventually.

If it's not workable I'd rather be exclusive.


When she asked for DADT I told her I'd live with it for now but I'd rather be exclusive and have honest and open conversations about things, including the things we're (she's) afraid to talk about than to be able to explore on the side but have to separate a part of myself and my life from my closest companion. I care more for truthfulness, honesty, and intimacy than I care for particular relationship format..


She's dated two guys since opening up, this current one and a different one for 6 months previously.

I've stayed the night without having sex with about a half dozen different women. Some of those have been completely clothed without even kissing, some involved some state of undress but no mutual nakedness. It's honestly been rather sad since after having a connection I enjoy and feel hopeful about the fear/anxiety of how my wife will react kinda squashes that.. or how she does react. So I end up friendzoning these girls or changing my vibe enough to where I get friendzoned.


She seems to consider my potential connections as less significant and therefore less valuable than hers because of her sense that I have an easier time meeting women I'm attracted to than she does men and because her connections are somehow deeper and more real. I think that mine just haven't had the room and opportunity to develop into anything and the assumptions that go into that thinking are worrisome to me.



She's in the past felt she wanted more emotional closeness from me and I've put a significant amount of effort into being more emotionally available and open to her. She's thrilled with that. I've tried a couple of times to see if I can be too clingy/needy and see where her limits are for that and I haven't found it. I've glued myself to her like I was a stage 5 clinger and she eats it up with a grin on her face.

[thelovedr]

Mar 7, 2018 8:34:15 GMT JackZero said:

I'm reading this and one thing that I notice is that you're not saying what it is that you want. For me, it's hard to fathom that you are spending the night with other women without sex and I can understand why that bothers your wife. She realizes that you are getting your emotional needs met with these other women and that is a threat to the relationship in her eyes. From my perspective, I am thinking what she would be thinking. Do you really enjoy having an open relationship? Our thoughts don't matter unless you have an idea of what you want in your marriage.

Well said Jack. 

Dude, ebomb, you are seriously coming off as a cuck man. I mean, you're letting your wife do whatever she wants but you're not able to do whatever you want? You're letting her run the show at the expense of yourself. Never a good thing. How is it she's able to fuck other dudes yet you're so afraid to fuck other girls because you're afraid she'll get upset and leave you? And the worst part about all this is YOU AREN'T being the leader, you're being the follower. You're letting her worry and upset influence your decision making. If you truly want to make this open relationship work, you have to be the rock man. She gets upset and worried, so what, as long as you powerfully lead forward, more than likely, she'll be alright. The more worried you are about upsetting her the more upset she'll actually be. Even worst, if you don't upset her, you'll upset yourself because she gets to have freedom and you don't. You have to understand women worry about shit all the time, but that doesn't mean it's something 'serious'. Just because she's worried and gets insecure about you being with other girls doesn't mean she's going to leave you if you keep doing it. As long as you treat her like your wife, she'll be with you. And besides, this is part of the agreement between you guys, it's an open relationship. It's like your the captain of the ship. She see's an iceberg and gets worried. She starts bitching and wants to turn around. But as the captain of the ship, you can see into the future and you know this iceberg isn't really that bad and you can actually avoid it and afterwards shit's all good. She can't see that, but you can. THIS is your job as a man, to see into the future and use logic/reason to manage the relationship. Women are very present and communicate every little feeling, but that doesn't mean every little feeling is actually an iceberg. 

Start by defining exactly what you want, and go with that. If you want the open thing, quite frankly, sit down and talk to her. Say hey, I WANT an open relationship and it's not ok for you to be freaking out every time I hang out with another girl. Your free to do what you want but this is what I want. We'll make it work and at the end of the day, you are my wife and nothing will change that. And go from there. She needs reassurance from you that it's going to be ok. BUT, she also needs you to be the rock. You have to OWN this. You have to think, 'hey, this is who I am and this is what I want. If you want to come with me, great. If not, that's great too'. Don't communicate that in those words, but it's more of an attitude. You have to get clear on the dating life you want and go for it. And given this is what you want, go for it man. You can make it work, just OWN it and stop being a cuck. 

[thelovedr]

Mar 21, 2018 2:53:26 GMT thelovedr said:

Mar 7, 2018 8:34:15 GMT JackZero said:

I'm reading this and one thing that I notice is that you're not saying what it is that you want. For me, it's hard to fathom that you are spending the night with other women without sex and I can understand why that bothers your wife. She realizes that you are getting your emotional needs met with these other women and that is a threat to the relationship in her eyes. From my perspective, I am thinking what she would be thinking. Do you really enjoy having an open relationship? Our thoughts don't matter unless you have an idea of what you want in your marriage.

Well said Jack. 

Dude, ebomb, you are seriously coming off as a cuck man. I mean, you're letting your wife do whatever she wants but you're not able to do whatever you want? You're letting her run the show at the expense of yourself. Never a good thing. How is it she's able to fuck other dudes yet you're so afraid to fuck other girls because you're afraid she'll get upset and leave you? And the worst part about all this is YOU AREN'T being the leader, you're being the follower. You're letting her worry and upset influence your decision making. If you truly want to make this open relationship work, you have to be the rock man. She gets upset and worried, so what, as long as you powerfully lead forward, more than likely, she'll be alright. The more worried you are about upsetting her the more upset she'll actually be. Even worse, if you don't upset her, you'll upset yourself because she gets to have freedom and you don't. You have to understand women worry about shit all the time, but that doesn't mean it's something 'serious'. Just because she's worried and gets insecure about you being with other girls doesn't mean she's going to leave you if you keep doing it. As long as you treat her like your wife, she'll be with you. And besides, this is part of the agreement between you guys, it's an open relationship. It's like your the captain of the ship. She see's an iceberg and gets worried. She starts bitching and wants to turn around. But as the captain of the ship, you can see into the future and you know this iceberg isn't really that bad and you can actually avoid it and afterwards shit's all good. She can't see that, but you can. THIS is your job as a man, to see into the future and use logic/reason to manage the relationship. Women are very present and communicate every little feeling, but that doesn't mean every little feeling is actually an iceberg. 

Start by defining exactly what you want, and go with that. If you want the open thing, quite frankly, sit down and talk to her. Say hey, I WANT an open relationship and it's not ok for you to be freaking out every time I hang out with another girl. You're free to do what you want but this is what I want. We'll make it work and at the end of the day, you are my wife and nothing will change that. And go from there. She needs reassurance from you that it's going to be ok. BUT, she also needs you to be the rock. You have to OWN this. You have to think, 'hey, this is who I am and this is what I want. If you want to come with me, great. If not, that's great too'. Don't communicate that in those words, but it's more of an attitude. You have to get clear on the dating life you want and go for it. And given this is what you want, go for it man. You can make it work, just OWN it and stop being a cuck. 

[tigerthestroyer]

I like how you're cool with your wife having a boyfriend. That means you're secure. At the same time, you should be able to have a girlfriend as well. You should discuss this with her ASAP instead of killing relationships with your side women. BUT, you do seem to get enough fulfillment from your wife to be happy, so if 10 years down the road, you're still happy with her doing her thing with her boyfriends and you not being limited by her double standard, then FINE. Seems like you've found the "ONE" just by how you're allowing her to run with the polyamorous format. 

I'm curious to see how this develops because if both the man and woman are cool with both having a side partner and are able to freely talk about it, I consider that ultimate transparency and something I would like for myself. Keep us posted

[Marcin]

Apr 9, 2018 5:29:56 GMT tigerthestroyer said:

if both the man and woman are cool with both having a side partner and are able to freely talk about it, I consider that ultimate transparency and something I would like for myself

That's actually how my relationship looks right now. Highly recommended, my dudes.

Anyway, ebomb31, two things I'd like to add, although both R.C and thelovedr have made some good points already, and what I have to say is just adding on to what they said.

One: it seems, from what you're saying, that your relationship is only really open from one side. That's not how this is supposed to work, and you might want to let your wife know that.

Two: when discussing this with your wife you may want to ask her what does she really feel (just my take on what R.C suggested).

So that's my two cents.