lolpants
MPUA Forum Enthusiast
Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 17:18:05 GMT
A buddy asked my opinion on a situation with his new girlfriend.
I told him I would think about it...obvisouly i'm asking you guys for some input since I have no clear on his situation.
Situation: friend has a new GF for about one month ( been seeing her for 3 months prior)
She told him that she would be visiting her best guy friend in poland. Alone.
Apparently he lives there with his girlfriend but he has no clue what his gf relationship was/is with her guy friend.
My friend asked my opinion if he should step up or just let it be.
I have no clue either...seems harmless, but still.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 17:20:43 GMT
On the surface there's no problem beyond what he's creating.
My question is does he have an objective reason to NOT trust her? Or, is this insecurity he brought into the relationship that is his to fix?
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Post by JackZero on Mar 7, 2018 17:50:23 GMT
My question would be is does she know his expectations when it comes to situations like this? IMO, if he said something like this was a dealbreaker before they decided that they were in the relationship then he has every right to object. I'm guessing that this trip was planned before they made their relationship "official", correct?
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 18:20:06 GMT
My question would be is does she know his expectations when it comes to situations like this? IMO, if he said something like this was a dealbreaker before they decided that they were in the relationship then he has every right to object. I'm guessing that this trip was planned before they made their relationship "official", correct? So its clear this is a boundary of his (whether he enforces it or not). Communication of boundaries often make or break a relationship. The boundary in itself may be fundamentally flawed, and not worth holding - hence my asking the poster about his friend's rationale for holding it. For example it may just be that a past relationship is informing his insecure feelings towards this current partner. Was he cheated on before by a past lover? Is it right for him to hold this expectation that she blindingly (or not) falls into line with this expectation? Is her only intent to go on this trip and meet a friend, without it being anything else? Is she feeling frustration towards him projecting his insecurities onto her and assuming ill intent? We don't know, and that's only 1 possible scenario. the point is that clearly this is his expectation, and it developed somewhere. The question is, does he have any reason to doubt her trust? If so they need to address that. If not, he needs to do work on himself as this "expectation" is merely him projecting onto her and will undoubtedly harm the relationship. |
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lolpants
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Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 18:21:13 GMT
His own insecurities probably, hasn't had many serious realationships though.
Well she is in college and realized that she has two weeks off, so she decided to go visit her friend.
I saw my friend yesterday, so I guess she mentioned it to him this week or last weekend
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 18:23:12 GMT
His own insecurities probably, hasn't had many realationships though. Well she is in college and realized that she has two weeks off, so she decided to go visit her friend. I saw my friend yesterday, so I guess she mentioned it to him this week or last weekend Ok, let's assume good intent and take her at face value. Secure Guy: "Have fun! I'll miss you you know, but I am thankful you're having this awesome experience." Insecure Guy: "If you go I will hold it against you. I will become a PI and look at all your social media for hints you're cheating. If I don't find the evidence I won't rest because I KNOW its there." Or "I will actively pull away to test how attached you are...it will be hard for me but if you truly love me u'll agree to my demands and not go on this trip so I won't feel scared about what you may doing abroad." |
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 18:30:22 GMT
I want to create a whole new section on Attachment because its at the root of the vast majority of posts, and if guys understood it better they can use it to much better inform their decisions with women, take care of themselves, and see women on an equal playing field rather than these mystical holy objects to be chased after and possess.
You would know what a SECURE attachment looks like, its basically what people mean when they use the word "abundance", this is in diametric opposition to someone with an INSECURE attachment, the vast majority of members on this board, where scarcity rules.
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lolpants
MPUA Forum Enthusiast
Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 18:46:26 GMT
My question would be is does she know his expectations when it comes to situations like this? IMO, if he said something like this was a dealbreaker before they decided that they were in the relationship then he has every right to object. I'm guessing that this trip was planned before they made their relationship "official", correct? So its clear this is a boundary of his (whether he enforces it or not). Communication of boundaries often make or break a relationship. The boundary in itself may be fundamentally flawed, and not worth holding - hence my asking the poster about his friend's rationale for holding it. For example it may just be that a past relationship is informing his insecure feelings towards this current partner. Was he cheated on before by a past lover? Is it right for him to hold this expectation that she blindingly (or not) falls into line with this expectation? Is her only intent to go on this trip and meet a friend, without it being anything else? Is she feeling frustration towards him projecting his insecurities onto her and assuming ill intent? We don't know, and that's only 1 possible scenario. the point is that clearly this is his expectation, and it developed somewhere. The question is, does he have any reason to doubt her trust? If so they need to address that. If not, he needs to do work on himself as this "expectation" is merely him projecting onto her and will undoubtedly harm the relationship. I know he cheated on his past lovers. But about his insecurities I have really no idea. We never talked so deeply about stuff like that. So in short ,what you're saying is he should relax a bit. Work on himself and trust his girlfriend. |
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lolpants
MPUA Forum Enthusiast
Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 18:48:52 GMT
His own insecurities probably, hasn't had many realationships though. Well she is in college and realized that she has two weeks off, so she decided to go visit her friend. I saw my friend yesterday, so I guess she mentioned it to him this week or last weekend Ok, let's assume good intent and take her at face value. Secure Guy: "Have fun! I'll miss you you know, but I am thankful you're having this awesome experience." Insecure Guy: "If you go I will hold it against you. I will become a PI and look at all your social media for hints you're cheating. If I don't find the evidence I won't rest because I KNOW its there." Or "I will actively pull away to test how attached you are...it will be hard for me but if you truly love me u'll agree to my demands and not go on this trip so I won't feel scared about what you may doing abroad." Dude, I think you might have solved 90% of guys their problems by posting this. Especially since you explained it whilest using an example. |
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 18:49:46 GMT
If this is a problem he brought into the relationship it will likely end the same way as previous ones either with him pushing her away and she figures "why not cheat he already believes I did anyway", or her just ending it not wanting to deal with the drama.
He'd probably benefit from therapy, this isn't a quick fix. And again I am assuming she's not doing anything untoward for anyone to legitimately question her trustworthiness
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lolpants
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Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 18:59:59 GMT
If this is a problem he brought into the relationship it will likely end the same way as previous ones either with him pushing her away and she figures "why not cheat he already believes I did anyway", or her just ending it not wanting to deal with the drama. He'd probably benefit from therapy, this isn't a quick fix. And again I am assuming she's not doing anything untoward for anyone to legitimately question her trustworthiness He hasn't confronted her with his doubts tho, thats why he is asking. He told me it isn't fair to judge but he can't help feeling like this. I'll give him a phone call later. Btw, great advice these posts. I even benefit from this! Thanks |
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 7, 2018 19:05:33 GMT
If its not her stay with his experience, not the image he may have created of her. If you demonize her or commiserate it will not help him in any way.
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lolpants
MPUA Forum Enthusiast
Posts: 32
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Post by lolpants on Mar 7, 2018 20:02:30 GMT
Could you elaborate your last post N2thevoid?
I'm not fully understanding it.
Had a phone call with my buddy.
And I explained some of the stuff that was said here. I'm more starting to think it might just all be in his head.
He's always been fooling around with other girls even when he had a girlfriend.
I might just be possible that he has no trust in his current girlfriend because he doesn't even trust himself.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 8, 2018 5:31:48 GMT
Could you elaborate your last post N2thevoid? I'm not fully understanding it. Had a phone call with my buddy. And I explained some of the stuff that was said here. I'm more starting to think it might just all be in his head. He's always been fooling around with other girls even when he had a girlfriend. I might just be possible that he has no trust in his current girlfriend because he doesn't even trust himself.
Hit the nail on the head. |
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Post by R.C on Mar 8, 2018 6:55:50 GMT
Pretty much that ^.
Relationships are supposed to be about bringing value to each others lives, not taking away. Why in the world would that girl put herself in this position? Ok I'm dating this guy but now I can't see my friend because he's insecure about it.
The problem is him in either of the following scenarios:
1. He's insecure.
2. She's not trustworthy for whatever reason, and then the problem is still him because he knew her for two months and decided to make her his girlfriend anyway.
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