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Post by ninjabib on Mar 21, 2018 15:02:51 GMT
Hey all,
Anyone ever had this said to them " you treated me like a sister, not a girlfriend. I didnt feel love or commitment off you"?
Just chatting to my ex to arrange collecting her things and she said this is why called it off. We are over now, not trying to get her back. I've heard girls say to guys they seem them as a brother but not this. Got my mind thinking. I dont want to make the same mistake again
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Post by JackZero on Mar 21, 2018 16:22:18 GMT
This is likely a result of the relationship being driven by companionship and not by sexual desire.
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 21, 2018 16:26:20 GMT
THought so, thanks Jack.
The logistics for sex were difficult at the end when she moved back in with her parents to save money,my house is being renovated so couldnt use it, you could feel the gap growing. Shame.
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Post by JackZero on Mar 21, 2018 16:34:27 GMT
It happens a lot actually. The relationship will start strong driven by sexual desire. Once that constant is broken, the relationship changes and will be reexamined. Women are notorious for not handling this change well.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 21, 2018 16:40:21 GMT
" you treated me like a sister, not a girlfriend."? = "I don't feel sexually desired by you"
The strongest thing a woman can experience is being desired, if that's lacking all you have is acquaintance or friend.
"I didnt feel love or commitment off you" = this may mean as a result of not holding a sexual frame with her, or just having a shallow connection in general, she didn't feel a strong attachment. It can also of course fit w/n the desire frame; pursuing a woman (not chasing) may have tangentially met the her need for "love" and "commitment".
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 21, 2018 16:44:21 GMT
THought so, thanks Jack. The logistics for sex were difficult at the end when she moved back in with her parents to save money,my house is being renovated so couldnt use it, you could feel the gap growing. Shame. I am curious as to why you'd never addressed this directly with her. OR were you just unaware? |
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 21, 2018 17:04:18 GMT
It happens a lot actually. The relationship will start strong driven by sexual desire. Once that constant is broken, the relationship changes and will be reexamined. Women are notorious for not handling this change well. We would have amazing sex at least 10 times a week untila year ago when we first broke up which was4 years deep into the relationship. Last few months once a week if lucky, her parents banned any sexual stuff under their roof. Could definitely feel the strain once the changes happened. Sad thing is my house will be acceptable to live in on some level in approx 2-3 weeks time but i think she just had enough. "The strongest thing a woman can experience is being desired, if that's lacking all you have is acquaintance or friend." N2Void yes i said this to her and she agreed, if her parents went out dont get me wrong we had sex, she never held back obviously that would have been a massive red flag. She apologised for the situation but said she cant justift rent anymore, she wanted to save to buy a house with me. " this may mean as a result of not holding a sexual frame with her, or just having a shallow connection in general, she didn't feel a strong attachment. It can also of course fit w/n the desire frame; pursuing a woman (not chasing) may have tangentially met the her need for "love" and "commitment". " Dont think its shallow connection, she says im still her favourite person in the world, shes still trying to keep me hanging on over Facebok, constantly sending memes etc ripping each other as if we were still together. I've politely asked her to stop this behaviour as we need to move on. I can't be her friend and i've explained this. We did talk about the lack of sex due to logisitics but shes not very good at communicating. I tried to let her know i still wanted her and i kept trying it on under the bed sheets just to show i still want her but if her Dad was next door she wouldnt let me go further. Commitment - yes she always feels like im not commited. We split for 2 months last year as she thought i didnt want to have a kid with her and be a family which was wrong. I agreed to get certain things done on the house when we got back together and said i expect them to be done by xmas but more issues were found that needed structural work which has moved the project back a few months and she lost her shit over this as well. Said she felt i was stringing her along and making excuses not to live with her. Even though she was wrong at least this was clear to me. The sister comment i didnt get at all. Edit - i massively desired her, still do, she looks like Jennifer Lawrence but i guess in the end i gave up trying sexually as her parents were around. |
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 21, 2018 17:16:14 GMT
It happens a lot actually. The relationship will start strong driven by sexual desire. Once that constant is broken, the relationship changes and will be reexamined. Women are notorious for not handling this change well. We would have amazing sex at least 10 times a week untila year ago when we first broke up which was4 years deep into the relationship. Last few months once a week if lucky, her parents banned any sexual stuff under their roof. Could definitely feel the strain once the changes happened. Sad thing is my house will be acceptable to live in on some level in approx 2-3 weeks time but i think she just had enough. "The strongest thing a woman can experience is being desired, if that's lacking all you have is acquaintance or friend." N2Void yes i said this to her and she agreed, if her parents went out dont get me wrong we had sex, she never held back obviously that would have been a massive red flag. She apologised for the situation but said she cant justift rent anymore, she wanted to save to buy a house with me. " this may mean as a result of not holding a sexual frame with her, or just having a shallow connection in general, she didn't feel a strong attachment. It can also of course fit w/n the desire frame; pursuing a woman (not chasing) may have tangentially met the her need for "love" and "commitment". " Dont think its shallow connection, she says im still her favourite person in the world, shes still trying to keep me hanging on over Facebok, constantly sending memes etc ripping each other as if we were still together. I've politely asked her to stop this behaviour as we need to move on. I can't be her friend and i've explained this. We did talk about the lack of sex due to logisitics but shes not very good at communicating. I tried to let her know i still wanted her and i kept trying it on under the bed sheets just to show i still want her but if her Dad was next door she wouldnt let me go further. Edit - i massively desired her, still do, she looks like Jennifer Lawrence but i guess in the end i gave up trying sexually as her parents were around. If you're wanting something with her declare your intentions, if she gives you any other answer than to the affirmative then cut all contact. If you're not out of her life completely things will likely be status quo. You're looking to her for a signal to move on. What beyond her looking like Jennifer Lawrence compels you to be with her? Lots of cute girls out there. What beyond this does she offer besides a vagina and some intimate moments? |
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 21, 2018 17:31:33 GMT
I edited my post to explain what she meant by commitment as yuo rpelied.
"Commitment - yes she always feels like im not commited. We split for 2 months last year as she thought i didnt want to have a kid with her and be a family which was wrong. I agreed to get certain things done on the house when we got back together and told her i expect them to be done by xmas but more issues were found that needed structural work which has moved the project back a few months and she lost her shit over this as well. Said she felt i was stringing her along and making excuses not to live with her. Even though she was wrong at least this was clear to me. The sister comment i didnt get at all."
We spoke on Friday night gone and she mentioned all the commitment stuff again then, i explained i am not a builder nor a psychic, i cant see the future or have known what problems would have developed. I said you know i love you, the house will be liveable soon within a month and i want us to be a family. She then said "are you in" i said "no im in my local bar". She suggested maybe have a talk face to face and see if anything can be salvaged. I said "ok, no pressure but talking is better than running off from problems".
Said she would come over Saturday 11am to talk but at 1030am she said shes "willing to come over but doesnt know if theres much point". I said you dont seem very open to working this out so maybe best we just leave it. I didnt realise on the night but she spent the Friday night at her best girl friends house who hates me and deffo would have told her not meet me otherwise i would have gone for the meetup and talk that night.
So that lead us to today really, shes been sneding me memes now and then since Friday which i have ignored until arranging collection of items today.
My desire for her is more than phyiscal of course. Shes smoking now, like a 9 now but was only a 6 when we met. It was her personality and our rapport. I've simply never met anyone who i have such a fun time with, we just worked well together. I know theres load of hot girls and that eventually i probably will meet someone else i will be fine.
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Post by pilgrimmeister on Mar 21, 2018 17:46:08 GMT
I edited my post to explain what she meant by commitment as yuo rpelied. "Commitment - yes she always feels like im not commited. We split for 2 months last year as she thought i didnt want to have a kid with her and be a family which was wrong. I agreed to get certain things done on the house when we got back together and told her i expect them to be done by xmas but more issues were found that needed structural work which has moved the project back a few months and she lost her shit over this as well. Said she felt i was stringing her along and making excuses not to live with her. Even though she was wrong at least this was clear to me. The sister comment i didnt get at all." We spoke on Friday night gone and she mentioned all the commitment stuff again then, i explained i am not a builder nor a psychic, i cant see the future or have known what problems would have developed. I said you know i love you, the house will be liveable soon within a month and i want us to be a family. She then said "are you in" i said "no im in my local bar". She suggested maybe have a talk face to face and see if anything can be salvaged. I said "ok, no pressure but talking is better than running off from problems". Said she would come over Saturday 11am to talk but at 1030am she said shes "willing to come over but doesnt know if theres much point". I said you dont seem very open to working this out so maybe best we just leave it. I didnt realise on the night but she spent the Friday night at her best girl friends house who hates me and deffo would have told her not meet me otherwise i would have gone for the meetup and talk that night. So that lead us to today really, shes been sneding me memes now and then since Friday which i have ignored until arranging collection of items today. My desire for her is more than phyiscal of course. Shes smoking now, like a 9 now but was only a 6 when we met. It was her personality and our rapport. I've simply never met anyone who i have such a fun time with, we just worked well together. I know theres load of hot girls and that eventually i probably will meet someone else i will be fine. Now that she has gone from a 6 to a 9 in your eyes, she's probally now more confident, has more purpose, and has noticed hotter more sexually appealing guys notice her more, and that can take her sexual attraction towards you away and onto hotter higher value guys. Shit like that happens, and is why I advise why getting with women who have issues and goals to achieve to get to where they want to be are not good options for longer term (may not have been in the case in your situation, but going from a 6 to a 9 suggests it may part of it). By valuing yourself a lot higher to hotter women can combat this as they are already on top of their game, and that is the goal, not those who are making their way there. |
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 21, 2018 17:51:50 GMT
I agree but she went from a6 to a 9 wihtin a year when things were amazing and was completely devoted to me always. If i went to the toilet by the time i came back she would always have someone trying it on and always send them away. This transistion isnt a new thing it happened 4 years ago.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 22, 2018 7:15:34 GMT
I edited my post to explain what she meant by commitment as yuo rpelied. "Commitment - yes she always feels like im not commited. We split for 2 months last year as she thought i didnt want to have a kid with her and be a family which was wrong. I agreed to get certain things done on the house when we got back together and told her i expect them to be done by xmas but more issues were found that needed structural work which has moved the project back a few months and she lost her shit over this as well. Said she felt i was stringing her along and making excuses not to live with her. Even though she was wrong at least this was clear to me. The sister comment i didnt get at all." I wonder for her what "commitment" looks like. It may be something different than your conceptualization of what it is. I'd be curious about her response.We spoke on Friday night gone and she mentioned all the commitment stuff again then, i explained i am not a builder nor a psychic, i cant see the future or have known what problems would have developed. I said you know i love you, the house will be liveable soon within a month and i want us to be a family. She then said "are you in" i said "no im in my local bar". She suggested maybe have a talk face to face and see if anything can be salvaged. I said "ok, no pressure but talking is better than running off from problems". The fact she's mentioning it again to me signifies you're not hearing her need. Again, you aren't asking the right questions so how would you know what commitment is to her going forward. There's something about your behaviour/actions that she's interpreting as not being fully on board. Its deeper than your house not being ready.Said she would come over Saturday 11am to talk but at 1030am she said shes "willing to come over but doesnt know if theres much point". I said you dont seem very open to working this out so maybe best we just leave it. I didnt realise on the night but she spent the Friday night at her best girl friends house who hates me and deffo would have told her not meet me otherwise i would have gone for the meetup and talk that night. I am hearing the same consistent ambivalence on her end. "doesn't know if there's much point" can come down to "I feel frustrated and scared you will not hear my need and I'll be wasting my time with this." So? What's "open" to her look like rather than getting into the same demand/withdrawal cycle?So that lead us to today really, shes been sneding me memes now and then since Friday which i have ignored until arranging collection of items today. Games. Your side of the cycle where you pull away either a) to get what you want from her, or b) you're frustrated and need to create space.My desire for her is more than phyiscal of course. Shes smoking now, like a 9 now but was only a 6 when we met. It was her personality and our rapport. I've simply never met anyone who i have such a fun time with, we just worked well together. I know theres load of hot girls and that eventually i probably will meet someone else i will be fine. |
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 22, 2018 7:17:27 GMT
I edited my post to explain what she meant by commitment as yuo rpelied. "Commitment - yes she always feels like im not commited. We split for 2 months last year as she thought i didnt want to have a kid with her and be a family which was wrong. I agreed to get certain things done on the house when we got back together and told her i expect them to be done by xmas but more issues were found that needed structural work which has moved the project back a few months and she lost her shit over this as well. Said she felt i was stringing her along and making excuses not to live with her. Even though she was wrong at least this was clear to me. The sister comment i didnt get at all." We spoke on Friday night gone and she mentioned all the commitment stuff again then, i explained i am not a builder nor a psychic, i cant see the future or have known what problems would have developed. I said you know i love you, the house will be liveable soon within a month and i want us to be a family. She then said "are you in" i said "no im in my local bar". She suggested maybe have a talk face to face and see if anything can be salvaged. I said "ok, no pressure but talking is better than running off from problems". Said she would come over Saturday 11am to talk but at 1030am she said shes "willing to come over but doesnt know if theres much point". I said you dont seem very open to working this out so maybe best we just leave it. I didnt realise on the night but she spent the Friday night at her best girl friends house who hates me and deffo would have told her not meet me otherwise i would have gone for the meetup and talk that night. So that lead us to today really, shes been sneding me memes now and then since Friday which i have ignored until arranging collection of items today. My desire for her is more than phyiscal of course. Shes smoking now, like a 9 now but was only a 6 when we met. It was her personality and our rapport. I've simply never met anyone who i have such a fun time with, we just worked well together. I know theres load of hot girls and that eventually i probably will meet someone else i will be fine. Now that she has gone from a 6 to a 9 in your eyes, she's probally now more confident, has more purpose, and has noticed hotter more sexually appealing guys notice her more, and that can take her sexual attraction towards you away and onto hotter higher value guys. Shit like that happens, and is why I advise why getting with women who have issues and goals to achieve to get to where they want to be are not good options for longer term (may not have been in the case in your situation, but going from a 6 to a 9 suggests it may part of it). By valuing yourself a lot higher to hotter women can combat this as they are already on top of their game, and that is the goal, not those who are making their way there. To me this is paranoid / 'low value' thinking that serves no purpose other than to further scarcity. We don't know her mindset, and for women attraction is far more fluid and complex than male attraction. Of course ANY person male or female wants a good option, but if he's not hearing her need for safety and security in the relationship, for example, than how good an option is it for her to re-invest? It comes down to "can you help me meet my need(s)?" and if the other partner isn't responsive then it is only human to start weighing options elsewhere. For the most part men and women WANT to be on the same team, they've just learned passive aggressive means to addressing needs. If we can freely meet needs to one another as a 'gift', then the relationship is a symbiotic giving/receiving entity. If, on the other hand, both people aren't responsive to each other's 'needs request' at some point if these needs continue to go unmet the person will seek other avenues to meet it. Often this is how cheating starts. Its what Julie Gottman means when she talks about with turning towards rather than turning away (e.g., www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/). |
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Post by ninjabib on Mar 22, 2018 13:56:46 GMT
Well i went out last nght to see a band then ended up at a student night in a club and scored a 20 year old chick,i thought it might make feel better but it hasnt really.
"
The fact she's mentioning it again to me signifies you're not hearing her need. Again, you aren't asking the right questions so how would you know what commitment is to her going forward. There's something about your behaviour/actions that she's interpreting as not being fully on board. Its deeper than your house not being ready."
On the night we split 2 weeks ago during the break up conversation she kept saying "you dont listen to me, im trying to tell you what i need" so i said what is it you need and she got irate, i'm trying to get on the same page as her but shes not being clear in explainingwhat she wants. She was sending memes while i was out again last night but i just ignored them and will continue to do so.
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Post by N2thevoid on Mar 22, 2018 15:58:36 GMT
k so the same pattern ensues
Withdraw/protest
You're ignoring her as a strategy, nothing gets solved. Now if you just decide to move on then that's fine, block and move forward without looking back. But that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
She's likely looking for empathy and you're going straight for problem solving for starters. That was demonstrated when she got irate with your response "what is it you need". It may sound irrational to you but makes perfect sense.
Right now all you're trying to do is assuage your ego.
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