chef89
MPUA Forum Addict
Posts: 308
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Post by chef89 on Nov 16, 2020 0:06:32 GMT
Isn't the real problem here that OP has feelings for a girl that he has never seen in real life?
From experience I can say it can always be different than expected when meeting someone from the internet. Having said this, I think you should never catch feelings in this kind of situations.
My advice would be not to expect too much from this. I have a feeling that you do right now because you're inexperienced. But that sets you up for failure. Meet her and see how it goes, and dont worry about the outcome.
Also, when I read your last post you were talking about her as you have known her for years. You actually havent even met, so how do you even know what she is like? I know you want to rationalize her as being a great girl, but in reality you can't until you've met her for real many times.
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Post by pilgrimmeister on Nov 16, 2020 0:31:13 GMT
An online dating scenario. Never ever build up that you are a Knight in shining armour before you meet, especially going deep and sharing your life with her. She will build up this picture of a perfect man.
When you meet, she will screen you, and find out your not what she was dreaming about and you will never see or hear from her again.
Once a date has been arranged online, then no more contact. That way when you do meet, its a mystery, and the expectations of a perfect man are not there. Then she will screen you with an open mind, comfort build, escalate if the chemistry is there etc.
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Post by N2thevoid on Nov 16, 2020 18:00:27 GMT
I’d apply this across the board. Well said
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Post by notquite1 on Nov 30, 2020 13:07:34 GMT
@ notquite1 : as some noticed already and if what your statements conveyed is what you wanted to convey, here you actually are dealing with a person who suffered a trauma. as JackZero said, also from my perspective you are most likely setting yourself for misery with a person like this in this stage. however, i see also a tiny possibility that things may work out for both of you if you two manage to overcome the misery period. answering to your questions: 1) this is the first vis a vis encounter of you two - this means that no matter what she told you and what you told her, you two are new to each-other until you two meet, which means that even if she told you she freaks out if touched without being notified in advance, you can still use kino to test her reactions and see it by yourself, and if it turns out that she doesn't freak out to your initial social touching then you know you can continue to escalate with that to establish more comfort while your interaction goes on 2) never ask for permission, and don't wait for "green lights" - instead what you are looking for is an absence of "red lights": while you progress (especially with kino) you want her to always feel comfortable with you, which means that you must always observe her reactions to what you are doing and proceed accordingly- if she is comfortable then you continue to escalate, otherwise you "take a few steps back" and resume from there again. 3) always look for ioi - whether active or passive (here is a list of most common ioi) - promptly recognizing the ioi allows you to be more aware at what point in your interaction you are with her and better calibrate your next step Good advice, thanks. The date is in a couple weeks (needed to be arranged in advance bc it has to be in secret lol)
When we were talking about it she texted me, 'apparently kissing spreads less germs than a handshake, good in corona times'. Like it's flirting, nothing to take too serious, I shouldn't take this literally should I lmao? I was just gonna hug her when greeting her, a kiss even on the cheek at the start of a first date is a bit much isn't it. Bear in mind we haven't yet met irl. Happy to hear what someone thinks about this
Note this isn't me over-worrying about consent like earlier, just what isn't gonna suddenly make things feel awkward
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Post by notquite1 on Nov 30, 2020 13:09:23 GMT
An online dating scenario. Never ever build up that you are a Knight in shining armour before you meet, especially going deep and sharing your life with her. She will build up this picture of a perfect man. When you meet, she will screen you, and find out your not what she was dreaming about and you will never see or hear from her again. Once a date has been arranged online, then no more contact. That way when you do meet, its a mystery, and the expectations of a perfect man are not there. Then she will screen you with an open mind, comfort build, escalate if the chemistry is there etc. Sadly this wasn't possible, first of all we had become very good friends before she told me her feelings for me. And we had to wait months to meet up because of a combination of lockdowns and secrecy. I doubt I've built up an unrealistic image of myself though, I'm just myself with her and she knows I'm not exactly a knight in shining armour (eg. she called me a cute dork)
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Post by pilgrimmeister on Nov 30, 2020 15:27:28 GMT
Then that's more down to the iron going cold. Not much you can do about that but move on.
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Kartel
MPUA Forum Enthusiast
Posts: 27
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Post by Kartel on Dec 2, 2020 10:26:21 GMT
When we were talking about it she texted me, 'apparently kissing spreads less germs than a handshake, good in corona times'. Like it's flirting, nothing to take too serious, I shouldn't take this literally should I lmao? I was just gonna hug her when greeting her, a kiss even on the cheek at the start of a first date is a bit much isn't it. to me this looks like a hint - she is actually suggesting she is looking forward to be kissed by you. yes, she is also flirting with you and if you flirt back with her that would be great because will build up momentum for when you two will meet. about first time greeting: where i live is normal than when male-female meet (even for the first time) they kiss on the cheek - kissing on the cheek between male-female when meeting is not considered flirting in the culture of my country, is considered simply a greeting that is socially accepted. if for example, i go with my girlfriend to meet some friends, and some of my, or her, male friends kiss my girlfriend on the cheek when we meet that would be considered by everyone as social greeting, not flirting, and if in that case i would tell something to one of my, or her, male friends like "don't kiss my girlfriend" would appear like i lack social intelligence. if i were you, i would kiss her or the cheek and start instantly with a little kino on one of her elbows - is very easy to do this: while you two get closer to kiss each-other on the cheek, you put one of your hands on her shoulder and while you kiss each-other with the other hand you touch her elbow for few seconds of the opposite arm. doing this, will inject into her brain the fact that you are a leader, a dominant male, which is an attraction switcher
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chef89
MPUA Forum Addict
Posts: 308
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Post by chef89 on Dec 3, 2020 11:25:32 GMT
@ notquite1 : as some noticed already and if what your statements conveyed is what you wanted to convey, here you actually are dealing with a person who suffered a trauma. as JackZero said, also from my perspective you are most likely setting yourself for misery with a person like this in this stage. however, i see also a tiny possibility that things may work out for both of you if you two manage to overcome the misery period. answering to your questions: 1) this is the first vis a vis encounter of you two - this means that no matter what she told you and what you told her, you two are new to each-other until you two meet, which means that even if she told you she freaks out if touched without being notified in advance, you can still use kino to test her reactions and see it by yourself, and if it turns out that she doesn't freak out to your initial social touching then you know you can continue to escalate with that to establish more comfort while your interaction goes on 2) never ask for permission, and don't wait for "green lights" - instead what you are looking for is an absence of "red lights": while you progress (especially with kino) you want her to always feel comfortable with you, which means that you must always observe her reactions to what you are doing and proceed accordingly- if she is comfortable then you continue to escalate, otherwise you "take a few steps back" and resume from there again. 3) always look for ioi - whether active or passive (here is a list of most common ioi) - promptly recognizing the ioi allows you to be more aware at what point in your interaction you are with her and better calibrate your next step Good advice, thanks. The date is in a couple weeks (needed to be arranged in advance bc it has to be in secret lol)
When we were talking about it she texted me, 'apparently kissing spreads less germs than a handshake, good in corona times'. Like it's flirting, nothing to take too serious, I shouldn't take this literally should I lmao? I was just gonna hug her when greeting her, a kiss even on the cheek at the start of a first date is a bit much isn't it. Bear in mind we haven't yet met irl. Happy to hear what someone thinks about this
Note this isn't me over-worrying about consent like earlier, just what isn't gonna suddenly make things feel awkward
Why do you think its too much? Just kiss her on the cheeks like a greeting. She expects it from you.
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Post by notquite1 on Dec 12, 2020 18:22:54 GMT
Then that's more down to the iron going cold. Not much you can do about that but move on. Glad I didn't listen to this, it went really well!
Thanks to the people who actually gave constructive advice and made me realise I was overthinking everything
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Post by N2thevoid on Dec 12, 2020 20:57:56 GMT
Then that's more down to the iron going cold. Not much you can do about that but move on. Glad I didn't listen to this, it went really well! Thanks to the people who actually gave constructive advice and made me realise I was overthinking everything
Always assume attraction unless she stops responding entirely in spite of your attempts, or tells you she’s not interested.
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Post by ekrin987 on Dec 12, 2020 21:06:14 GMT
Hi everyone,
First off, I didn't have in mind a PUA forum for this sort of question but I don't want to chance upon her seeing this question anywhere else. So I just want to make clear, my goal here is a relationship, not getting laid immediately.
I met this girl online and we really hit it off as friends with regular video calls. It turns out she lives a few hours away from me. Over several months I developed feelings for her but the vibe wasn't exactly flirty and I thought she only saw me as a friend. Until one day she told me she loves me. I told her I love her too. Which I do. Sadly, even though we're both adults, due to her family issues we have to meet in secret and only for a couple hours.
I'm very inexperienced, and this will be the first real date I've been on that I can see leading to a good relationship. And while emotionally, we are really close, because it'll be our first real meeting we obviously aren't physically close yet at all. We also haven't talked dirty or had sexual banter, for the most part. It's been romantic and fun rather than sexual. She is emotionally comfortable with me, but not yet physically comfortable. I also know that she really doesn't like it when guys are too dirty in their speech sexually, at least definitely not at the first date level.
Because of the secrecy issue, we're going to have a picnic. Here come the questions...
- For reasons that I respect but don't want to talk about here, she doesn't like being touched without being asked for consent first because she'd freak out. What sort of thing could I say to ask for a kiss?
- While it's easier to ask for a kiss, what do I do about the brief touching that is a normal part of flirting? Touching a girl on the arm while telling a joke isn't something you can really ask consent for. So what's my best option here? How could we get to the point where she's comfortable enough for a kiss without much physical contact berforehand? Or, how could I check consent for light physical contact without ruining the moment?
- I'm not an experienced kisser, and this is a first date, so I'm guessing I should avoid tongue?
- I know this probably seems like such a dumb noob question. But because of the picnic my breath will probably smell by the time we (if it goes well) kiss. Swallowing a mint after lunch just seems like an awkward thing to do. Like yes she will already know I want to kiss her but it just seems kind of embarrassing to have a mint. Am I overreacting? Is there any better way to do this lol
So, I would HUGELY appreciate any help with these questions. Thanks in advance for any responses!
SEXUAL TENSION. "Are you a good a kisser? I love it when a woman knows how to kiss!" Ask this before going out with her. Woa... usually the conversation will change from whatever to kissing and what each of you like. You don't need to be "dirty" - be sensual. Picnic? Bring gum and ask her if she'd like a piece. If she doesn't say no, consider it as a good sign she's thinking what you are. If she declines no biggie; keep reading her.
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Post by N2thevoid on Dec 17, 2020 8:34:02 GMT
OP, i am more concerned with your mindset rather than anything she’s presented.
IF this young woman has a history of trauma, and let’s face it, every single being has trauma(s) to varying degrees by virtue of living life - I wonder what role you would unconsciously play. Often times traumatized women draw-in men with a protector mindset; while the two may seem at surface as being complimentary, it won’t lead down any good avenues for either of you.
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