Need advice on how to handle what seems to be a shit-test

[TheWhiteTiger]

So I'm chatting away on the lovely OkCupid, and this is the convo so far. Any feedback on how I take it from here would be great


**The girl has a photo with her cat, so I comment on that**

Me: You have a kitty!

Her: I sure do! And she's the sweetest. No kitties for you?

Me: No kitties for me I'm afraid, so I'll have to borrow yours


Her: She's definitely the size of two whole cats, so plenty to share haha

Me: Perfect! We can take her with us to our coffee date
How did you enjoy today's 1 hour time travel? **Switched to daylight saving time**

Her: hahaha she'll hate us foreverrrr
truthfully, i didnt even know it was daylight savings because my watch is synced with my phone and it updates automatically. i did notice my oven had the wrong time.. it explained why i was so tired yesterday haha.
did you do anything fun this weekend?

Me: yes, continued my plot for world domination  
I was out with my friend and we talked investments, then chatted with my parents. 
what kind of trouble were YOU up to over the weekend?


Her: I had dimsum with a friend and her bf, and spent most of the time trying to convince her to watch anime shows. I also went to check out my new gardening plot, it's soon time to start planting!
And cuddling with my cat of course, as always. Or should I say harassing....

Are your parents in XXXX too?

Me: Nope, they are happily freezing in YYYY

We skype every so often
how about your family?



Her: hahah gotcha. Is that where you were born?

I'm from Montreal. My parents are there but my sister's in Toronto now **Montreal is a city in a French speaking province in Canada**
You have any siblings?


Me: Oh wow, do you have that sexy French accent then?

Let's chat on whatsapp, what's your number?



Her: Lol I would not consider the Quebecois French accent to be sexy at all! But no my English is "normal"

I'd actually prefer to chat here if that's okay with you.

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And this is where the convo is at now. Any idea how to take it from here?


I was thinking of going with:

"Oh I see, you had some bad experiences here? well look, my mom DOES say you're wife material, but I can take it slow, I just find on the app it's harder to chat and I prefer a mix of real conversation on the phone (like back in the ancient times)"

But is that coming off as trying too hard?

[Wacker]

Just change the subject to something else. U need to build up more comfort. If u push to grab her number on whatsapp this soon ur going to come off as needy.
Try to grab her number a week from now. A good excuse to grab her number would be to want to know what her voice sounds. To make sure shes not a man.

[TheWhiteTiger]

Alright, I've followed up with a complete change of topic. I'll aim for comfort building and retry, will post on progress after a few days

[TheWhiteTiger]

Following up on this, it seems the conversation has gone stone cold :/

...
Her: I'd actually prefer to chat here if that's okay with you.


Me: That's cool

What anime did you watch? I want to find spoilers to mess with you


Her: hahahahahaha

wow that's mean!!

then i'll start with one that you can't spoil! I like attack on titan, naruto... I'm currently watching jujutsu kaisen


Me: I can't spoil Naruto because it just refuses to end

that kid has the same immortality elixir that Ash Katchum and Lisa Simpson have


Her:  Yeah and now he has a son so it's like intergenerational too

You watch anything recently that you liked?


Me: are you fishing for counter info to spoil things?

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So this was a last message from me on Sunday, it is now Tuesday, and no response. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[JackZero]

This seems to be my complaint with most text based communications that get posted. It's too "let's be friends" type of talk and no pushing the boundaries for you appearing as a sexual being and you viewing her as a sexual being with the exception of the sexy French accent comment, but you let her throw you off when she pulled away a bit with the whatsapp suggestion.

You guys are on a dating app and you tried to push the "comfort" thing by talking about anime and put flirtation on the back burner instead of also making it a part of the convo. She knows you're interested, so it's okay to talk to her in a way that implies that interest. Being funny and entertaining only works if she already finds you attractive. Get her comfortable in communicating with you from a place of attraction and then circle back to the offline conversations.

You had a few openings that you could have taken advantage of. Her comment about eating with her friend and bf. Her comment about her cuddling with her cat. Even her response of the Montreal accent was an opening for you.

If you flirt with a woman, while not being a social idiot, she's going to enjoy it as long as you keep it interesting and fun. Even if she is unsure about you in the beginning, she's going to want to figure out how far it will go. Once she's at that point, that's when you take the conversation offline.

[Wacker]

I guess thats the issue. Not many guys know how to turn things sexual or flirtatious over online. I know for me its alot easier to be sexual in person. In this guys situation. If he were to push and push for her number. He probably would have turned her into a ghost. The safest thing to do was to change the subject all together. Sure he could have changed the subject to somthing sexual and flirty. But the important part was to just change the subject. To move on like her bad response to the number exchange never happened.

[JackZero]

Mar 24, 2022 13:12:34 GMT Wacker said:

I guess thats the issue. Not many guys know how to turn things sexual or flirtatious over online. I know for me its alot easier to be sexual in person. In this guys situation. If he were to push and push for her number. He probably would have turned her into a ghost. The safest thing to do was to change the subject all together. Sure he could have changed the subject to somthing sexual and flirty. But the important part was to just change the subject. To move on like her bad response to the number exchange never happened.

To make sure that I'm clear on this.  I'm not saying that the conversation needs to be sexual.  I'm saying that the girl needs to see the OP as a sexual being in order for him to be considered a sexual option.  I'm not saying that he should have pushed for the phone number.  However, the path to comfort is where things will fall apart if he doesn't act like a man that's attracted to a woman.  

There are guys that end up as "just friends" or as the PUA community likes to call them...orbiters.  These guys tend to end up there because they do comfort wrong.  Most of the time it's because they try to show that they have good intentions or want to show that they are safe.  That's the stuff that ends up killing a guys chances because it takes him out of being viewed as a sexual option when the goal is to be considered one.  

In the conversation that the OP had, he asked about the sexy French accent.  This was him speaking as a sexual being to her.  This was him saying to her that he views her as a sexual option.  She made light of it, but she didn't get spooked because of it.  He could have kept building momentum on that line of conversation.  Sure, she didn't want to give her phone number out and I wouldn't have gone with the response that he was considering but I don't think even that would have made her ghost him.  However, I think you don't have a lot of time online to establish yourself with a woman because you aren't the only guy she's talking to.  The OP talking about her cat, her family, her weekend, where she's from, and the moment (actually second moment) he gets to a point of where the conversation gets flirtatious is where he changes the subject and that doesn't do him any favors.  

[TheWhiteTiger]

Mar 24, 2022 16:35:19 GMT JackZero said:

Mar 24, 2022 13:12:34 GMT Wacker said:

I guess thats the issue. Not many guys know how to turn things sexual or flirtatious over online. I know for me its alot easier to be sexual in person. In this guys situation. If he were to push and push for her number. He probably would have turned her into a ghost. The safest thing to do was to change the subject all together. Sure he could have changed the subject to somthing sexual and flirty. But the important part was to just change the subject. To move on like her bad response to the number exchange never happened.

To make sure that I'm clear on this.  I'm not saying that the conversation needs to be sexual.  I'm saying that the girl needs to see the OP as a sexual being in order for him to be considered a sexual option.  I'm not saying that he should have pushed for the phone number.  However, the path to comfort is where things will fall apart if he doesn't act like a man that's attracted to a woman.  

There are guys that end up as "just friends" or as the PUA community likes to call them...orbiters.  These guys tend to end up there because they do comfort wrong.  Most of the time it's because they try to show that they have good intentions or want to show that they are safe.  That's the stuff that ends up killing a guys chances because it takes him out of being viewed as a sexual option when the goal is to be considered one.  

In the conversation that the OP had, he asked about the sexy French accent.  This was him speaking as a sexual being to her.  This was him saying to her that he views her as a sexual option.  She made light of it, but she didn't get spooked because of it.  He could have kept building momentum on that line of conversation.  Sure, she didn't want to give her phone number out and I wouldn't have gone with the response that he was considering but I don't think even that would have made her ghost him.  However, I think you don't have a lot of time online to establish yourself with a woman because you aren't the only guy she's talking to.  The OP talking about her cat, her family, her weekend, where she's from, and the moment (actually second moment) he gets to a point of where the conversation gets flirtatious is where he changes the subject and that doesn't do him any favors.  

Ok, so maybe I could have kept it in a flirtatious mood about it with something like:

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Her: I had dimsum with a friend and her bf, and spent most of the time trying to convince her to watch anime shows. I also went to check out my new gardening plot, it's soon time to start planting!

And cuddling with my cat of course, as always. Or should I say harassing....


Me: Oh no! Are you planning to harass me with your cuddles too? are you a serial cuddler??


...



Her: Lol I would not consider the Quebecois French accent to be sexy at all! But no my English is "normal"

Me: Really? Because my English is sexy

---------------------------

Like that?

[pilgrimmeister]

In my opinion, avoid small talk. She rejected giving her number out. Not many, but some won't give out their number until after the first date, no big deal. I tend to be more of a straight talker, I will do a little comfort then down to straight talking then organise a date. If they say, let's talk more then I tend to pull away. Not got time to waste chatting for weeks with no end result. Once date is arranged, very little contact until I am on the date. Sometimes they have other dates lined up. If that's the case, shut up and let her reach out and move on.

[TheWhiteTiger]

So fun little update on this. I had sent a follow up message a few days after the last message asking if everything is ok. Have not heard back so I moved on from it. Yesterday night the following conversation took place:

**recap from last time**
...
Me: are you fishing for counter info to spoil things?

**A few days go by, no response**
Me: Everything ok?

**No response for nearly two weeks. Then yesterday...**
Her: Hey WT, I'm so sorry. I had to get off of social media for a while.

Ideally I would have told you, but sometimes I just need to disconnect right away

How are you, how's your week going?


Me: Oh it's been a nice week. My friend wanted me to help her shoot some photos in the cherry blossoms so I got to play photographer for a while **Trying to demonstrate value through hanging out with other women**
And work at college has been ok.
I get it with social media, it gets overwhelming to be plugged into the world the whole time

how was your week?

How about we go for coffee this weekend and talk in real life instead of online?


Her: I'm up for that

Is photography something you're into, usually?

Ooh are you teaching full time?

I haven't asked you anything about you! Sounds like you teach university students?

My week's been good, a bit of a slower week at work which is what I needed!


Me: I'm always willing to try photography, I can take photos on your phone because I know you'll always turn out gorgeous


Her: haha im usually the one behind the camera, not in front! im a bit camera-shy


Me: You can take photos of me but I can't promise I'll look cute in the cherry flowers

How about we go for coffee Saturday during the day? I can pick you up from anywhere and we can go enjoy the good weather

are you a coffee or boba girl?


Her: Haha we'll just have to give it a try won't we

Saturday is good. Would early afternoon work for you? I have a garden "party" in the morning, and by party I mean we are getting soil delivered so I'll be hauling that with my fellow community gardeners

I'm good with either! Though I'm more of a tea person so I usually opt for tea in coffee shops. What about you, what's your preference?


Me: Early afternoon would work, maybe 2pm-ish?


Her: Yup that's good for me! Where do you want to meet up? I'm on the east side of van but close to transit

So downtown isn't far away


Me: If you'd like I can pick you up, and we can go grab a coffee at my favourite place in Burnaby

They have tea too and it's a beautiful area to walk in


Her: where is it? i think id prefer to meet you there


Me: It's called XYZ, at XXXX

Her: Cool, that's not too far from me, I can meet you there at 2pm


Me: Perfect

Do you want to exchange phone numbers to stay in touch?


Her: Yup xxx-xxx-xxxx

And so we've been talking on the phone since. We've also been planning an imaginary roadtrip via whatsapp yesteday before bed, but I wanted to try and keep it brief and end the convo on a high note. No correspondence yet today (Friday) so hopefully the date is still on for Saturday.

[pilgrimmeister]

Nice work. But I will warn you, do not emotionally invest over text or the phone before you meet up, less is more. Have no expectations, and see where it goes. Do not talk yourself out of a date. Good luck