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Post by curtis72 on Feb 19, 2021 22:13:49 GMT
Hello, got a particularly common issue that is halting me. Often when I’m with a girl, first dates are occasionally cold and intense leading to any attempts at escalation rejected and a lack of romantic connection. While things can often be okay over text, I was wondering how do some of you break the ice and create a lighter atmosphere on first dates? I have mild autism which probably has its issues too, but just after some tips. Particularly as I get very nervous and often just have to play the numbers game as opposed to finessing this
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Post by N2thevoid on Feb 20, 2021 18:33:32 GMT
Cold and intense?
I find the context can either break or build familiarity, and of course one that affords close proximity. If I think of most interactions I've had with women that I met online (as in more normative these days), we've grabbed a bite to eat where I am sitting across from them. Sure it feels a bit awkward, I might even poke fun at it as likely both of you feel the same and it helps normalize the situation. But I don't really stay in one place too long. So a walk after, or a drive though if a drive just goes on for a while things can dry up. Go to a nice site around town, get out walk around.
I'm not looking for a Segway to touch her to be honest it just sorta happens. Since you have autism I think you need to be a bit more conscious of the social cues a woman is giving, and understand it as flirty or her wanting you engage her in a more intimate way.
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Post by curtis72 on Feb 21, 2021 7:00:06 GMT
Cold and intense? I find the context can either break or build familiarity, and of course one that affords close proximity. If I think of most interactions I've had with women that I met online (as in more normative these days), we've grabbed a bite to eat where I am sitting across from them. Sure it feels a bit awkward, I might even poke fun at it as likely both of you feel the same and it helps normalize the situation. But I don't really stay in one place too long. So a walk after, or a drive though if a drive just goes on for a while things can dry up. Go to a nice site around town, get out walk around. I'm not looking for a Segway to touch her to be honest it just sorta happens. Since you have autism I think you need to be a bit more conscious of the social cues a woman is giving, and understand it as flirty or her wanting you engage her in a more intimate way. I guess it’s just a point to read social cues
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vagabond
MPUA Forum Newbie
Sup, I'm a university student researching-by-doing.
Posts: 18
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Post by vagabond on Feb 22, 2021 17:33:34 GMT
Particularly as I get very nervous and often just have to play the numbers game as opposed to finessing this What do you mean by the 'numbers game' here? Also just generally as a rule of thumb on first dates, particularly in the UK, we're a bit stiffer here I wouldn't rely on touch to create intimacy unless of course they make it super obvious that that is cool with them (EG. they keep v close to you, they touch you on the arm a lot etc.). On a first date just try and show off your personality in a relaxed way, there's no need to overly exert yourself with reading social cues (that can lead to some nightmare misinterpretations, trust). Don't feel the need to game them (aka, think to hard about windows of opportunity to escalate, trying too hard to read their body language) or rush anything. They've agreed to go on a date with you already so you're in a pretty great position already. Going on a date takes time and effort, so you clearly are for them worth that effort, so you don't need to overplay your hand. Trust in the strength and appeal of your own personality. I agree with N2, hammy 'grab something to drink/eat' dates are OG first date locations/ideas because they're practical (you get something nice to eat/drink, get energy and nice endorphins from food) and they're an open book for what you do afterwards as well, granted that you have plenty of time and that's something that you can choose to take lead on: "hey, I've got a spontaneous idea, let's do this and go here". What you choose to do can show your personality off without you having to shoehorn points of interest into conversation as well. If girls have said you are intense more than once, that's not entirely an issue if you're an intense person naturally. But maybe it's because they sense that you're always trying to escalate things, so maybe be less 'objective based' and allow things to flow naturally. Relax. Take your time. And as cheesy as it is, it should always be your central initiative, have fun dude, it's a date. (also do not be afraid of slightly long silences, they won't kill you i promise x)
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Post by curtis72 on Feb 24, 2021 0:16:29 GMT
Particularly as I get very nervous and often just have to play the numbers game as opposed to finessing this What do you mean by the 'numbers game' here? Also just generally as a rule of thumb on first dates, particularly in the UK, we're a bit stiffer here I wouldn't rely on touch to create intimacy unless of course they make it super obvious that that is cool with them (EG. they keep v close to you, they touch you on the arm a lot etc.). On a first date just try and show off your personality in a relaxed way, there's no need to overly exert yourself with reading social cues (that can lead to some nightmare misinterpretations, trust). Don't feel the need to game them (aka, think to hard about windows of opportunity to escalate, trying too hard to read their body language) or rush anything. They've agreed to go on a date with you already so you're in a pretty great position already. Going on a date takes time and effort, so you clearly are for them worth that effort, so you don't need to overplay your hand. Trust in the strength and appeal of your own personality. I agree with N2, hammy 'grab something to drink/eat' dates are OG first date locations/ideas because they're practical (you get something nice to eat/drink, get energy and nice endorphins from food) and they're an open book for what you do afterwards as well, granted that you have plenty of time and that's something that you can choose to take lead on: "hey, I've got a spontaneous idea, let's do this and go here". What you choose to do can show your personality off without you having to shoehorn points of interest into conversation as well. If girls have said you are intense more than once, that's not entirely an issue if you're an intense person naturally. But maybe it's because they sense that you're always trying to escalate things, so maybe be less 'objective based' and allow things to flow naturally. Relax. Take your time. And as cheesy as it is, it should always be your central initiative, have fun dude, it's a date. (also do not be afraid of slightly long silences, they won't kill you i promise x) Great post. Thanks
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Post by GFRESH2DEF on Feb 24, 2021 2:35:03 GMT
I guess it’s just a point to read social cues My mistake OP. I was trying to quote what you said, not edit what you said. Lol Yeah man. Just listen very carefully, to what she is telling you..and especially pay close attention to her body language (don't ignore it!). If you do those 2 things..plus using the experience that you have with women already..that will be your guide, in telling you..what, where, and when..to make your next move with the girl. LOL I always love it, when guys will tell you, not to pay any attention to these details..as if paying attention to detail, and having a gameplan..won't be the things that maximizes your chances of success (at anything!). It's really comical to me. And btw..you're not the only one that misses out on cues from women. Normal guys (that don't have autism) do it too..all the time. -G
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