|
Post by R.C on Dec 13, 2018 11:55:17 GMT
I get it, she has issues. And while n2 can offer you insight as to why she's behaving the way she does, I honestly don't care. If I were in your shoes I'd fucking leave her in a second.
Problems will pop up in life. And when they do you probably want someone that's reliable by your side.
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 13, 2018 11:56:27 GMT
100% right RC.
|
|
|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 14, 2018 0:32:20 GMT
She is already receiving therapy to handle her stuff. But it’s a little different from the outside vs. being in the shoes. This is someone that I care deeply about and cares deeply for me. It’s not as black and white as just fuck this person I’m out. If you were really in my shoes would you do that? If you were dating someone this long who you really liked would you be that confident?
I’m quite torn here. It’s not good to break up with somebody and not be totally confident in your decision. If so, you will think about it And begin to regret it if you aren’t totally straight on it. That would be likely be my case if I were to do that. It’s also not good to invest time and energy into something where that investment isn’t going to pay you off. I’m a 24 year old dude, she’s 22, she’s a really good person and I’ve grown quite fond of her. She has issues that she is working on since we met. I’ve enjoyed my time in this relationship overall and although things haven’t been perfect, far less than that with this recent situation, it’s unclear to me the best course of action.
It’s not definitely leave, and it’s not definitely stay, but somewhere in the middle. If I leave I will leave with uncertainty. If I stay I will stay with uncertainty, and that is really the root of my post.
Cheers
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 14, 2018 1:57:17 GMT
She is already receiving therapy to handle her stuff. But it’s a little different from the outside vs. being in the shoes. This is someone that I care deeply about and cares deeply for me. It’s not as black and white as just fuck this person I’m out. If you were really in my shoes would you do that? If you were dating someone this long who you really liked would you be that confident? I’m quite torn here. It’s not good to break up with somebody and not be totally confident in your decision. If so, you will think about it And begin to regret it if you aren’t totally straight on it. That would be likely be my case if I were to do that. It’s also not good to invest time and energy into something where that investment isn’t going to pay you off. I’m a 24 year old dude, she’s 22, she’s a really good person and I’ve grown quite fond of her. She has issues that she is working on since we met. I’ve enjoyed my time in this relationship overall and although things haven’t been perfect, far less than that with this recent situation, it’s unclear to me the best course of action. It’s not definitely leave, and it’s not definitely stay, but somewhere in the middle. If I leave I will leave with uncertainty. If I stay I will stay with uncertainty, and that is really the root of my post. Cheers What type of therapy
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 14, 2018 17:44:01 GMT
Danimal i was in the exact same situation except that i was with my ex for 5 years not 1.5 years. I just feel like if you really wanted to stay then you would feel that already. If you do stay can you be certain the next time YOU have a problem she wont run again?
YOu are 24 now so plenty of time on your side. Of course nothing is easy and true everything is grey-ish more than black and white but this is a major warning sign. Some women just run when their man becomes ill or whatever, i've seen it before and never thought mine would do it to me either but she did. I'd would take some serious time thinking it over before decidiing whatever though.
|
|
|
Post by JackZero on Dec 14, 2018 19:43:45 GMT
She is already receiving therapy to handle her stuff. But it’s a little different from the outside vs. being in the shoes. This is someone that I care deeply about and cares deeply for me. It’s not as black and white as just fuck this person I’m out. If you were really in my shoes would you do that? If you were dating someone this long who you really liked would you be that confident? I’m quite torn here. It’s not good to break up with somebody and not be totally confident in your decision. If so, you will think about it And begin to regret it if you aren’t totally straight on it. That would be likely be my case if I were to do that. It’s also not good to invest time and energy into something where that investment isn’t going to pay you off. I’m a 24 year old dude, she’s 22, she’s a really good person and I’ve grown quite fond of her. She has issues that she is working on since we met. I’ve enjoyed my time in this relationship overall and although things haven’t been perfect, far less than that with this recent situation, it’s unclear to me the best course of action. It’s not definitely leave, and it’s not definitely stay, but somewhere in the middle. If I leave I will leave with uncertainty. If I stay I will stay with uncertainty, and that is really the root of my post. Cheers I don't see it as saying "fuck this person I'm out". I see it as the relationship not being on an even playing field. She is there when you are happy and you are there when she is happy. That's fair. How fair is it when you are there for her when she is unhappy but she isn't there for you when you are unhappy? It's such a lopsided situation to be in and my concern for you is you being in a relationship where it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy in it. She can't be happy with you when you are going through your problems, so eventually you will have to suppress them if she can't change herself. That is a recipe for codependency. Uncertainty may happen if you stay or leave but while you are with her you will always have it until she genuinely understands and accepts the responsibility for the damage that she is doing to your relationship. However, if you leave you can look to find someone who is as supportive as you are that also have other qualities that you see as important and if you do that the uncertainty will go away.
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 14, 2018 19:44:39 GMT
Danimal i was in the exact same situation except that i was with my ex for 5 years not 1.5 years. I just feel like if you really wanted to stay then you would feel that already. If you do stay can you be certain the next time YOU have a problem she wont run again? YOu are 24 now so plenty of time on your side. Of course nothing is easy and true everything is grey-ish more than black and white but this is a major warning sign. Some women just run when their man becomes ill or whatever, i've seen it before and never thought mine would do it to me either but she did. I'd would take some serious time thinking it over before decidiing whatever though. It’s easy to stand back and be prescriptive towards another’s experience. There might be much to be gained by working with this person irrespective of the outcome of the relationship. I see a lot of labelling of behaviour in this thread without really understanding the underlying dynamics. Or consideration for what the op wants or is needing for that matter.
|
|
|
Post by neo87 on Dec 14, 2018 20:17:14 GMT
I see this as being more on you, OP. You CHOSE an unstable chick and you're expecting emotional STABILITY when you need it? I wont buy a car with no engine, and then be upset when it cant get me to work. Things ARENT going to be fair/equal with a woman like this, and how can you expect them to be? Thats why you should be with someone STABLE, that way when things get rocky they can handle it. But you dont date someone who constantly needs support, then wonder why when you're going through shit she still needs support.
No, your gf can not support you when you're down. No, your gf will not be able to put her issues aside for a while to help you with yours. No, you're not a normal healthy relationship.
Either leave, or accept you're in a one sided relationship with a damaged chick. You dont date a homeless chick, then be mad she cant cover the bills if you lose your job. You need to realize what relationship you're in. Its your choice to be with her, but dont delude yourself as if her baggage/issues are an "occasional thing" that sometimes can be overcome when needed. Leave, or recognize that shit isnt going to be "fair."
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 14, 2018 21:18:45 GMT
I am going to change the tonality up a bit.
Have you considered cheating on her, or find yourself entertaining other women (physically and or emotionally)?
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 14, 2018 21:24:10 GMT
I agree with Neo in the logistical sense, and you do have to be aware of the forest for the trees. Is there enough core material in this relationship to build a ‘home’, or am I wasting my resources?
I’m not saying its as easy as turning on a light switch, and I can tell you’re caught between your attachment mind and logical mind. Hence the emotional oscillation. You can only make that determination as to what’s right for you.
There are some hard questions to reflect on primarily am I going to be doing all the ‘heavy lifting’ in this relationship for now and the conceivable future, and am I ok with this? Does it offer me room to grow as a person AND within the relationship itself?
I appreciate you wanting to ‘fight’ but at the end of the day do you know clearly and unequivocally what you’re fighting for.
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 14, 2018 22:44:39 GMT
Danimal i was in the exact same situation except that i was with my ex for 5 years not 1.5 years. I just feel like if you really wanted to stay then you would feel that already. If you do stay can you be certain the next time YOU have a problem she wont run again? YOu are 24 now so plenty of time on your side. Of course nothing is easy and true everything is grey-ish more than black and white but this is a major warning sign. Some women just run when their man becomes ill or whatever, i've seen it before and never thought mine would do it to me either but she did. I'd would take some serious time thinking it over before decidiing whatever though. It’s easy to stand back and be prescriptive towards another’s experience. There might be much to be gained by working with this person irrespective of the outcome of the relationship. I see a lot of labelling of behaviour in this thread without really understanding the underlying dynamics. Or consideration for what the op wants or is needing for that matter. True but if you are in a long term relationship a basic effort is surely to support one another. If one side just keeps taking and taking and gives nothing back why stay? Not only is she not giving anything back shes competely pulled away. To her credit though the OP says she is already in therapy so i suppose that shows she realises things need to change. I didn't notice that bit the first time round.
|
|
|
Post by pilgrimmeister on Dec 14, 2018 23:00:08 GMT
On the old forum there is a topic about broken women somewhere, which explains why they are unhealthy in relationships and are best to avoid. At least she is honest about not being able to support you in your time of need.
Not sure I can find it now but will try and repost it somewhere in here as its a useful reminder to me when I come across a women with a dark past who isn't quite over it and the problems they bring into your life.
I have been in a similar position before and we decided to take a break from each other then when things got better we just became good friends. Many years ago now but we still speak and she went through hell and came out the other side and is now with a guy who bends over backwards to meet her needs. She provides him with limited support in return but he's OK with that.
But for me in my life situation she had too many needs for me to balance and it was never going to work long term once 2 years into it.
So having said thatx could you see you and her taking time out and then just supporting each other as friends longer term but going your separate ways to find better partners for both your needs?
|
|
|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 15, 2018 7:03:09 GMT
I really appreciate all the input. I knew that I was getting involved with an emotionally damaged person. I was drawn to the good qualities and didn’t fully understand the limitations of the bad qualities. I own the situation I’m in and I have no regrets to this point. Now I am in a situation and I don’t enjoy it but it is what I chose.
Everything is a learning experience, I didn’t understand the depths of emotional issues in relationships.
This will not be an easy thing to do but ultimately I have all the information needed. I am with a person who wants to do well but cannot support me. It’s very dark but it is the truth. Life knocked me down and I was crushed. I’ve gotten back up and I’ve done it by myself.
I really appreciate all the input so far and respect everything you have all said. Except that guy who said hos ain’t loyal that didn’t really help me much. I need to really reflect on this.
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 15, 2018 8:47:27 GMT
I really appreciate all the input. I knew that I was getting involved with an emotionally damaged person. I was drawn to the good qualities and didn’t fully understand the limitations of the bad qualities. I own the situation I’m in and I have no regrets to this point. Now I am in a situation and I don’t enjoy it but it is what I chose. Everything is a learning experience, I didn’t understand the depths of emotional issues in relationships. This will not be an easy thing to do but ultimately I have all the information needed. I am with a person who wants to do well but cannot support me. It’s very dark but it is the truth. Life knocked me down and I was crushed. I’ve gotten back up and I’ve done it by myself. I really appreciate all the input so far and respect everything you have all said. Except that guy who said hos ain’t loyal that didn’t really help me much. I need to really reflect on this. Delving further into this you're going to have to be very cognizant of your personal boundaries. You do this first and foremost to protect you, and secondarily to keep the relationship in some sort of a sustainable format (I know this doesn't sound overly optimistic). To be blunt, the vast majority of people on this board are daft when it comes to things such as trauma and tend to see things black and white. You won't find much support for your situation here. That said you certainly have your work cut out for you in this relationship. And for things to work you're going to have to figure out how to have your needs for support met, without going outside of the relationship (which can happen if you're not careful). If she's getting trauma therapy that's a promising sign of her willigness to evolve/change/heal past her wounds. I work with trauma quite extensively and the rate of healing can vary significantly from person to person, from situation to situation. In short trauma is like shrapnel from a bullet. You can extract the bullet but the shrapnel often remains, and anything that unconsciously triggers, or touches on that shrapnel can adversely affect the person resulting in mild panic to severe dissociation (in cases often of extreme complex trauma). As I'd stated earlier she probably overflows quite often and her base anxiety level likely runs higher than yours or mine. You should probably acquaint yourself with some trauma literature to help you better understand her experience. The trick however is to not lose sight of your own (experience), and use your ingenuity to explore other ways of having needs met in the relationship.
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 15, 2018 8:49:40 GMT
It’s easy to stand back and be prescriptive towards another’s experience. There might be much to be gained by working with this person irrespective of the outcome of the relationship. I see a lot of labelling of behaviour in this thread without really understanding the underlying dynamics. Or consideration for what the op wants or is needing for that matter. True but if you are in a long term relationship a basic effort is surely to support one another. If one side just keeps taking and taking and gives nothing back why stay? Not only is she not giving anything back shes competely pulled away. To her credit though the OP says she is already in therapy so i suppose that shows she realises things need to change. I didn't notice that bit the first time round. When a person 'pulls away' or withdraws it DOES NOT generally mean they want to leave. Often time people who withdraw are scared to hell of losing their partner. PUAs would largely misunderstand this as being iced/ghosted, or not caring. Often a person withdraws because they are actually scared to stick around and mess things up further, and/or they are hearing criticism/the message they can't be less than perfect to their partner and that scares them. They pull away as a reaction.
|
|