|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 12, 2018 3:34:50 GMT
I’ve been dating this girl for 1.5 years. she is really good girl in the sense of her priorities in life, very kind, wants to make the world better place etc.
She is pretty emotionally damaged from trauma from her childhood. Sometimes her emotional shit gets out of hand and she turns into not so wonderful girlfriend. Basically I’ve always just dealt with it understanding that she’s dealing with some heavy shit and just been supportive.
Now, shits turned up in my life where now I have some bullshit personal stuff I need to deal with that’s taking a toll on me. When it’s me who is fucked up she was not of much use, as I have been for her. She decided she needed a break because she was emotionally incapable of being supportive of me and taking care of herself at same time.
I didn’t take very kindly to this. Basically I need to wrap my head around what situation I’m in, as the person I’m with is a good person who means well but not able to do for me the things I have done for her. I’m struggling to make sense of the principal of this.
It’s confusing to be with someone who struggles so much and unsure when/how that will get better or if that’s just the status quo of the relationship. Basically I’ve gotten myself in pretty deep with someone who is emotionally damaged, who isn’t currently able to step up and do for me as I have done for her.
Cheers
|
|
|
Post by JackZero on Dec 12, 2018 3:50:28 GMT
Does a break mean that it's a temporary breakup? Never mind. No need to answer that.
You may not look at it this way now but you've dodged a bullet.
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 12, 2018 8:04:00 GMT
I was in the same boat. I supported her with her mental illness and when I had an acident and TBI and I needed her support it went downhill fast. Blessing in disguise. Better off without her my friend.
|
|
|
Post by Heywood Jablowme on Dec 12, 2018 18:12:12 GMT
Some women......When duty calls, they do not hesitate. They run like hell.
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 12, 2018 18:45:26 GMT
I’ve been dating this girl for 1.5 years. she is really good girl in the sense of her priorities in life, very kind, wants to make the world better place etc. She is pretty emotionally damaged from trauma from her childhood. Sometimes her emotional shit gets out of hand and she turns into not so wonderful girlfriend. Basically I’ve always just dealt with it understanding that she’s dealing with some heavy shit and just been supportive. What does "support" to her in these moments look like to you?Now, shits turned up in my life where now I have some bullshit personal stuff I need to deal with that’s taking a toll on me. When it’s me who is fucked up she was not of much use, as I have been for her. She decided she needed a break because she was emotionally incapable of being supportive of me and taking care of herself at same time. That's a tough situation to be in. You see her as effectively abandoning you in your moment of need and somehow you're less of a priority. It's hard for someone with trauma to actively hold a space for others when they're spilling over themselves. What are you needing from her? I didn’t take very kindly to this. Basically I need to wrap my head around what situation I’m in, as the person I’m with is a good person who means well but not able to do for me the things I have done for her. I’m struggling to make sense of the principal of this. Understandible. You feel frustrated and some resentment toward her pulling away. The shoe is on the other foot and you expected for her to reciprocate but feel cheated in a sense.It’s confusing to be with someone who struggles so much and unsure when/how that will get better or if that’s just the status quo of the relationship. Basically I’ve gotten myself in pretty deep with someone who is emotionally damaged, who isn’t currently able to step up and do for me as I have done for her. Cheers When in a relationship with someone experiencing trauma, you inherit their experience in some sense. It isn't their fault, nor yours just somehow things unfold and the question to be asked is can two people heal through one another. Sometimes yes, othertimes it may be too much to endure and your own needs get shelved everytime the person becomes triggered. Trauma is quite insidious and its an invisible scar. She's likely feeling overwhelmed. The "break" is a withdrawal as she's needing space as she's overwhelmed. Its not always as simple as "she just was looking for a reason to leave". Most often a person will pull away in a relationship because 1) they are fearful of fucking things up by continuing in the conflict, 2) they are hearing criticism and the message they can't be less than perfect (something they've generally heard their whole lives) so they wall off and need to create some distance before coming back.
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 12, 2018 18:51:12 GMT
Some women......When duty calls, they do not hesitate. They run like hell. If it were that simple.
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 12, 2018 23:31:29 GMT
N2 you make some interesting points that, i largely agree with, and i guess i hadn't thought of it in that way before but it just seems, as i have a similar experience, that a relationship needs both parties to support one another at a minimum.
"Cheated" is an interesting term and i suppose it is accurate. Me and the OP both offered support when they needed it so why would they not reciprocate?
I think it comes down to a lack of trust almost, maybe the OP feels the same i would like to hear more from him. If i were him now and knowing how she reacted how could he trust her again? She cannot offer him what he needs or what 99% of people need in a relationship. That being support. I felt, and guess he feels, almost pushed out of his life in a way. That his problems matter not as long as she is fine. He may feel that he cannot afford to share anything negative in his life for fear almost of upsetting her and she goes running. I just cannot see how this can work. If they get back together it would surely linger over them both?
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 12, 2018 23:37:20 GMT
N2 you make some interesting points that, i largely agree with, and i guess i hadn't thought of it in that way before but it just seems, as i have a similar experience, that a relationship needs both parties to support one another at a minimum. "Cheated" is an interesting term and i suppose it is accurate. Me and the OP both offered support when they needed it so why would they not reciprocate? I think it comes down to a lack of trust almost, maybe the OP feels the same i would like to hear more from him. If i were him now and knowing how she reacted how could he trust her again? She cannot offer him what he needs or what 99% of people need in a relationship. That being support. I felt, and guess he feels, almost pushed out of his life in a way. That his problems matter not as long as she is fine. He may feel that he cannot afford to share anything negative in his life for fear almost of upsetting her and she goes running. I just cannot see how this can work. If they get back together it would surely linger over them both? The trust in the relationship was breached long ago if there ever was any. There are ways, it’s the cycle not either person but I charge $140/50 minutes for help w this.
|
|
|
Post by ninjabib on Dec 12, 2018 23:41:23 GMT
Sorry i am missing your point here. It is late here in the UK and i am off to bed, just got back from bands/drinking. In what way has she broken his trust? In the sense that he's confided in her and shes ran a mile?
|
|
|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 13, 2018 0:43:45 GMT
I’ve been dating this girl for 1.5 years. she is really good girl in the sense of her priorities in life, very kind, wants to make the world better place etc. She is pretty emotionally damaged from trauma from her childhood. Sometimes her emotional shit gets out of hand and she turns into not so wonderful girlfriend. Basically I’ve always just dealt with it understanding that she’s dealing with some heavy shit and just been supportive. What does "support" to her in these moments look like to you?Now, shits turned up in my life where now I have some bullshit personal stuff I need to deal with that’s taking a toll on me. When it’s me who is fucked up she was not of much use, as I have been for her. She decided she needed a break because she was emotionally incapable of being supportive of me and taking care of herself at same time. That's a tough situation to be in. You see her as effectively abandoning you in your moment of need and somehow you're less of a priority. It's hard for someone with trauma to actively hold a space for others when they're spilling over themselves. What are you needing from her? I didn’t take very kindly to this. Basically I need to wrap my head around what situation I’m in, as the person I’m with is a good person who means well but not able to do for me the things I have done for her. I’m struggling to make sense of the principal of this. Understandible. You feel frustrated and some resentment toward her pulling away. The shoe is on the other foot and you expected for her to reciprocate but feel cheated in a sense.It’s confusing to be with someone who struggles so much and unsure when/how that will get better or if that’s just the status quo of the relationship. Basically I’ve gotten myself in pretty deep with someone who is emotionally damaged, who isn’t currently able to step up and do for me as I have done for her. Cheers When in a relationship with someone experiencing trauma, you inherit their experience in some sense. It isn't their fault, nor yours just somehow things unfold and the question to be asked is can two people heal through one another. Sometimes yes, othertimes it may be too much to endure and your own needs get shelved everytime the person becomes triggered. Trauma is quite insidious and its an invisible scar. She's likely feeling overwhelmed. The "break" is a withdrawal as she's needing space as she's overwhelmed. Its not always as simple as "she just was looking for a reason to leave". Most often a person will pull away in a relationship because 1) they are fearful of fucking things up by continuing in the conflict, 2) they are hearing criticism and the message they can't be less than perfect (something they've generally heard their whole lives) so they wall off and need to create some distance before coming back. Ya basically everything you say here is exactly how I see it. When I need support I don’t need much, not like someone to take care of me of anything but just to sit the fuck back and respect that I am handling my shit, and not cause me any problems as I deal with the bigger picture. I was never afraid of the “break” meaning that she was looking for a way out or anything like that, but as a signal that when times get tough she cannot stand beside me and weather the storm of life. She wanted to distance herself as she couldn’t keep her cool because she has issues in her own life that don’t allow her to be helpful in my case. It’s not really about mal-intent as it is the capability to be resilient in the needs of your partner when the going gets tough. I’m a fairly stable dude so I am able to do that for someone else but not everyone is in the same boat. I do not really feel like this is a breach of trust as much as a stress test. Hopefully this addresses any questions. BTW heywood and N2 you’ve been commenting on my things for like 6 years lol
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 13, 2018 1:16:51 GMT
Unless the two of you are open to counselling it will be very difficult to find a common space.
No doubt she’s struggling as are you. I get the sense this has been a pattern for you two. Is there enough in this to keep things afloat, and is keeping things afloat what you’re wanting in a relationship.
It’s tough neither one is at fault, as is often the case. You can learn to tend to each other and do some repair work if you can find a good EFT therapist but you’ll have to wait till she comes out of her hole to propose this.
Is she completely withdrawn, are you two in contact at all? I’m not quite clear on the current dynamic apart from there being a “break”.
|
|
|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 13, 2018 1:34:14 GMT
Unless the two of you are open to counselling it will be very difficult to find a common space. No doubt she’s struggling as are you. I get the sense this has been a pattern for you two. Is there enough in this to keep things afloat, and is keeping things afloat what you’re wanting in a relationship. It’s tough neither one is at fault, as is often the case. You can learn to tend to each other and do some repair work if you can find a good EFT therapist but you’ll have to wait till she comes out of her hole to propose this. Is she completely withdrawn, are you two in contact at all? I’m not quite clear on the current dynamic apart from there being a “break”. The break is over, I said fuck that break and called her out on how ass backwards that was. She eventually owned up to how bad a move that was. Her point was that she was so overwhelmed she couldn’t help me, and the dynamic between us was just getting worse. Her issues kinda come and go. She has like flash backs where she gets really down for a while and bounces back. The break is more symbolic of leaving me hanging and adding to my stress at a very crucial time. Basically where I’m at with this whole thing is long term like you pointed out. Ya there is enough to keep it afloat, but also like you point out keeping it afloat Isn’t exactly a high bar for a couple of young people. I’m probably never going to be doing any counseling around this. Basically this type of behavior is technically disqualifying for a relationship but I also felt like bad for her and understood her point of view while it was at my expense and still arguably inexcusable. I’ve never dated anyone like this before so it’s a bit confusing. Cheers to the OGs who stick around
|
|
|
Post by danimal94 on Dec 13, 2018 1:42:52 GMT
And there wasn’t a break because I confided in her, It was because I was kinda down and I wasn’t able to spend time with her in order to handle my priorities. This left her more alone and she needed support as well. She gave me a hard time about not coming out to see her and I responded by being a dick that she couldn’t understand that I needed to be home to handle this. She was upset that I didn’t decline politely and apologize for ditching out. It is honestly very petty it is hardly even worth typing this.
|
|
|
Post by GFRESH2DEF on Dec 13, 2018 1:58:43 GMT
Like my friend and fellow wingman from the old forum (DJ_Z) used to always say.."These hos ain't loyal".
-G
|
|
|
Post by N2thevoid on Dec 13, 2018 2:20:58 GMT
If she’s not open to trauma therapy this likely won’t change
Send her to me via Skype. The technique isn’t always amenable online but it does work sometimes. Or I can point you to someone that can help in your area if she’s open.
|
|